Cuts Run Deep

Distractions

~Harry's POV~

Quidditch. It's a good distraction. When I focus really hard on just one thing, I'm fine. If I don't, it hurts. What exactly? I don't know. Everything I guess. So far this year, I've kept my distance from everyone. I can't tell if people have noticed my distancing, but it's better than letting them see past my walls. My smile. My protection...

Things have never been easy, even after Voldemort's death. I've got scars, physically and mentally. There are so many people who died. I feel like it's my fault. Being back here, at Hogwarts, hasn't really made anything better either. If anything it made things worse. I don't want to talk about it. I smile and respond with 'I'm fine' every time I'm asked if something's wrong. How I'm doing. If I'm okay...

I push the thought from my mind and fly back and fourth on the field. I do dives and rolls until my head starts to spin, and then I do more. I know I shouldn't keep going like this, but I have to try. When I land, I have a headache and I can barely see straight. I guess that gives me something to think about though. I sigh and grab my things to head up to the common room.

~

"How ya doing mate?" Ron asks when I get to the common room. He's playing wizarding chess with Dean. Hermione is reading a book on the couch near by.

"I'm fine. Just gonna go shower off." I say holding up my broom to prove I was practicing. I really just wanted to be alone. When I said I was avoiding people, I meant everyone. Including Ron and Hermione. I give a quick nod to each of them and head upstairs.

When I reach the restroom, I shut the door. I cast a silencing and locking charm on it, just so no one can get in. I quietly walk over to the mirror and look at myself. I barely recognize the person staring back at me. I have dark circles under my eyes. If I lift my shirt, I can see bruises and scars on my sides. I wince at the sight and put my shirt down.

I can't stand my sulking face, so I smile. It doesn't even feel right anymore. What is there to smile about? People are always staring, whispering, spreading lies and rumors. Of course, this had always been the case, it just got much worse when I broke up with Ginny. She had asked me out in sixth year and I said yes. At the start of this year, things just didn't feel right, so I broke things off with her. Even though she forgave me and we're still friends, people try to use it against me. An excuse to call me names. Most people don't even know the reason I broke up with Ginny, and I'm glad they don't because it would make matters worse.

You see, the thing is... I'm Bi. After breaking things off with Ginny, I think I realized I have a bit more of a thing for guys though. No one in particular, just in general.

~

After the shower, I get changed and head to bed. I just lay there for a while... I can't sleep. I share a dorm with 4 other people: Ron, Neville, Dean, and Seamus. I count as I hear them come in.

1...

2, 3...

The last person comes up after about an hour. I wait a couple of minutes until I hear a faint, familiar snore. Ron.

Now that he's asleep, I can leave. I get up and grab my invisibility cloak. I think I'll go to the library...

~

The corridor is cold at night, even in the warmth of the cloak. I make my way to the library. I know these halls like the back of my hand. I can't believe it. This has been my home - my only REAL home - for almost half of my life. Eight whole years. There are so many memories here. They manage to be both good and bad at the same time. I feel my eyes start to tear up. I won't cry, not now. I wipe my eyes and continue walking.

When I reach the library, I creak the door open and slide inside. I make my way over to the book shelves, surprised to see another figure sitting at the table with books wide open. As I get closer, I recognize the silvery blond hair illuminated my the wand that he holds to read.

"Malfoy?" I say in almost a whisper.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

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❤- Fanon_is_better