Masked

《7》

•{ the four kids }•

Saalim sighed as he sat in his car and closed the door. He stared out the window for a while at the vanishing crowd, a blank expression resting on his face, the smile on his lips gone long before. Everyone waved at each other and hugged one another as they bid farewell to the night. They looked so happy, so relaxed, so out of any worry or anxiety on their faces or minds.

Why am I feeling like this? Why can't I feel what they're feeling, even if I had a good day?

He closed his eyes and looked away. Keeping his hands on the steering wheel, he layed his head on it.
Everyone around him, looked like they were having the time of their lives. While he was still stuck in his head, playing slave to his demons.

After struggling to find a job for months, he had finally found one in a construction company. He felt comfortable working there, he liked the people he met there. He knew he had to be grateful. And he was too, because he found himself thanking his Lord every time he was reminded of the blessings he had got.

Or atleast he said out words that were required to thank Allah, and only Allah knew if he felt them by heart, or not.

If he was grateful, then he should have been happy, but unfortunately for him, he couldn't feel any of it. Or maybe he hadn't ever felt any of it, as long as he could remember.

He didn't know what happiness even was, whenever he thought of what it could be, he found himself staring into blank space, his own mind in turmoil, but not an answer on his lips.

Was worshipping Allah what should have made him happy? Was thanking him for his blessings what should have done so? Was being around good people and smiling at them the whole day, what would make him as happy as they were?

He didn't know, he couldn't know. He never knew if he wanted it, but he had become numb. Too numb to know of any positive feeling.

He didn't know who he was when he was around people, but he knew who he was when he was alone. He was who he had become. A slave. He never felt anything, whenever he saw the people around him, the world in which he lived, neither did guilt or regret cross him. He felt, nothing. Just like a slave serving their master, he had become totally vulnerable to his demons, who tortured him in ways he was no longer new to. And no one, no one but him knew that.

Sana, his sister who had been with him since the first time he had fallen prey in their hands, knew how hard it all was for him, but she could never really understand either, what his mind did to him everyday.

Her words though, never failed to teach him something, and when she had first noticed his blank state, she had asked him to start smiling more, as smiling was sadaqah, and also something that could maybe make him feel better, as it did do wonders on souls. And so beliveing what she said, he smiled, he smiled all day at people he didn't even know. And he was used to it now.

But he couldn't deny that it didn't completely work. Because even on a person as numb as him, it did do something. Whenever he lifted the corners of his lips, it was as if, a hope came in his empty heart. A hope, that maybe he wouldn't feel blank after he smiled. Perhaps, the demons in him wouldn't want to live in him anymore because he smiled too much, and would leave him, free him.

He had started hoping that he would somehow become more human if he smiled. But the hope would always extinguish the moment it would enlighten, and so everytime he hoped for it, he was in the end, left with a smile, though an empty one. A heart, though one that was filled with no feeling. A mind, though a silent one.