out of love | ethan dolan

FORTY-FOUR

Ethan's Point of View

I looked at the time. It was almost one in the morning. I heard footsteps approaching and I turned around on Paisley's couch. I sat up when I seen her. "You okay, baby? Why aren't you asleep?"

"Every time I close my eyes.. I see him," she cried. I frowned. "Can you come up to my room, please?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course." I told her. She half-smiled and I followed her back to her room. She had a lamp on. She normally slept in the dark.

"I'll get you blankets for the floor." I raised my eyebrows but went along with it. I nodded my head and she reached into her closet and grabbed me a thick blanket. She laid it down. "I can't do this to you. You shouldn't have to sleep on the floor."

"It's okay. It's actually pretty cozy. I'll be out like a light," I lied. She smiled as she grabbed another blanket.

"I love you. I know I've been a little distant recently and I guess I'm just trying to process it all." She told me. She handed me the blanket. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, pretty girl. Just know I am always going to be with you. I love you so much." I promised. "You can always tell me how you are."

"I just feel so disgusting," she sat on her bed as I stayed standing. Tears fell down her cheeks. "I don't want to be in my own skin. I feel like I cheated on you. I just feel like a dirty whore."

My eyes widened. I caressed her cheek but pulled away quickly. "You did nothing wrong. You did not cheat on me, love. You did not want this. You're not in the wrong here, David is. We're going to get his ass locked up or killed."

"When will it go back to normal?" She cried. I frowned and I shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea. Maybe never. "Why did this happen to me?"

"Bad things happen to good people. You of all people know that. You've gone through so much shit. It could be worse. Thank God, you're still here, alive." She shook her head.

"I wish he would've killed me then feel this. It feels like he's still touching me, exploring my body as I cried and tried to escape him. But I couldn't. He was much more stronger than I was. With you, you're so gentle and loving. With him, he was pure pain and selfishness. He put it in completely raw with no worries of a condom, not that I needed one, but that's how desperate he was. I hoped it was fast, so I could leave but it was at least an hour. After the thirty minutes had gone by, I stopped screaming. There was no use. If anyone found me, they would have praised him anyway. During the whole thing, all I could think about was you. That you're going to be crushed. I thought you'd break up with me. You're the only guy I've ever been with and you've never made me bleed." My eyes widened.

"You bled?"

She nodded her head and I sighed. "I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody, I wouldn't even wish it on Eleanor.. or McKenzie."

"Nobody deserves what you had to go through, Paisley. I want you to know I would never hurt you or nobody else ever will."

"I hope so." She told me. I nodded and she grabbed my hand. She stood up and pulled me towards her. She slowly wrapped her arms around me, hugging me.

I smiled as I hugged her back immediately. "I love you to the moon and back." I whispered. I heard her sniffle.

"I love you lots, believe me." She told me. "I don't think I'd mind if you slept in the same bed as me. I think I'd like you on the bed than the floor."

"If you're not comfortable then I'll sleep on the floor."

"No, you're my boyfriend. I feel safe with you, you protect me." I nodded my head and she crawled into bed. I turned off the light and climbed in after her.

-

I opened my eyes and glanced at the time. Four in the morning. It had only been three hours since we'd went to bed.

I looked over and noticed Paisley wasn't in bed. "Paisley?" I sat up and walked over to her bathroom. The door was shut and I knocked on it before walking in.

She was sitting on the toilet lid with her legs crossed. I sighed and she wiped her eyes. "Did I wake you up?" She chuckled.

"No," I smiled. I squatted in front of her and faced her. "You can't sleep?" She shook her head and tears filled her eyes again. I frowned.

"I fell asleep for a little awhile but had a nightmare." She explained. "In the nightmare, you watched it happen."

I felt my eyes well up. "It was just a nightmare, baby, I'd never let him do that to you. I promise you."

"I-I know. But I still feel so dirty. How can I make it up to you?" She whimpered. I shook my head.

"You don't have to make up anything. Do you want to take a bath?" I asked. She glanced at the tub and nodded.

"A bath sounds nice actually." I smiled as I filled up the bathtub with warm water. I put soap in to make bubbles to make it relaxing for her. She stood up and tugged at her shirt. "Can you.. turn away?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. I explored every single inch of her body, why wouldn't she of all people want me to see her body? "O-Okay."

I covered my eyes and I heard her undress. She climbed in and got down. "You can look." I uncovered and seen her sitting in the tub.

I scooted towards the bathtub and I sighed. "I don't want you to feel guilty anymore. None of those was your fault, you hear me?"

"Yes." She replied as she sunk into the water, her chin now touching the water. I gazed at her. I noticed her dark circles below her eyes which indicated her lack of sleep. I frowned.

"Everything will be okay. Keaton, Grayson and I and so many others will always protect you." I assured her. She nodded. "I know, I failed this time but I-"

"You didn't know I went out. There's no way this could ever be your fault." She insisted. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't want you hanging out with Lyndsay anymore either," I pleaded. She shook her head and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Seriously? This was not her fault. Please, don't permit who and who I don't hang out with, love. Don't be like that." She begged.

"Okay, you're right. I'm just saying, I'd rather you not be friends with her, every time you're with her, there's trouble. It's her fault that you got raped."

"Can we please just drop this?" She asked. I nodded and crossed my arms. "H-How is McKenzie and the baby?"

I raised my eyebrows. "I'm not sure. I haven't talked to her since a few days ago. The results are supposed to come soon, you know."

"Do you think it's yours?" I glanced up at her awkwardly. I thought it was, although I wished it wasn't.

"I mean, I thought about what you said-if it is mine, I can't leave a baby. I think you'd be a pretty cool damn stepmom." I smirked. Her cute smile appeared, but quickly faded.

"No. I just can't help raise a child with McKenzie, not after everything she's done to us.. or me. I can't, I'm sorry." She explained. "And I'll always be jealous. Jealous that you and her have a kid together because we never can."

"I get it, but I don't ever want to be without you, Paisley Rose. And I'm terrified that the results will be positive." I told her. She frowned.

"We'll have to see what happens, I guess."