Bound By Legacy

The Ghosts That Haunt Us

Something from deep within causes me to wake up. Sitting ramrod straight against the headboard, the blankets slide down my bare chest to my hips. Suddenly cold I wrap my arms around myself and turn to the side table where my phone sits, the black screen doesn't reveal a need for alarm. I sigh and slink back to my pillow and under the covers. A part of me had wanted to be alerted to something, to be called into the fight. I rub my eyes with the palm of my hand, annoyed with myself. I should not want any of that. 

I remind myself that I have what I want, what I need. 

Bucky's back is to me, for some reason we never end up facing each other when we sleep. It's just something that we never do. Some might say it's a sign that we're in the need of an out, but in my opinion it's just because we've both spent so many nights alone it's what we're still used to. I glance over at his bare back, he still gets too hot to sleep under the covers, even now without clothes, even in this freezing cabin. 

I shift again rolling completely over so I can see my phone. I tap the screen, just to be sure I didn't miss something. 

Nothing.

I snatch it away from it's power cord and pull it inches from my face. Blue light ignites my side of the bed as I scroll through the top conversations in my messages.

Nothing.

I move on to the trending section on twitter.

Nothing of importance.

I hit the power button, but I don't move it back the table. I'm still wanting something to happen. 

"Why am I like this?" I whisper into the night. 

Tapping the screen again I go to my contacts. I scroll to "Uncle Harold (Happy)" I smile at the name. I was so insistent that everyone go into my phone by their real names, but Tony was not having it, especially after the snap when half the number's didn't even connect anymore. He gave everyone nicknames one day and I still haven't changed them. I doubt I ever will.

I don't linger on the dark thoughts anymore, instead I write my message:

Any updates from Europe? I can help if needed.

I almost change 'I' to 'we' but I hit send accidently before I can make the change.

Why am I this way?

When will I get it out of my head that I'm not alone anymore?

Before I can think much I hit the back button and scroll down, way down. Tony's final messages to me rest there. I have them memorized, have screenshots, but sometimes I just like to look at them as if he might text me back any moment.

I feel Bucky roll over and I put my screen down against the sheets. "Is everything okay?" He asks, groggy from sleep. 

"Yeah- everything's fine." He moves closer to me, and I realize i'm actually really cold. I slide back against him and let his warmth envelope me. I tuck my hair to my opposite shoulder as he rests his cheek on my pillow.

"I might not be a 21st century man, but I don't think waking up at 3 am to scroll endlessly through your phone is normal."

"It's not." I say plainly. He can hear the discomfort in my voice.

"So what's the matter?" I sigh and roll over onto my back.

"I know we're both trying to move on, and I know I've promised you that I'd stop letting ghosts spook me, but..." I say exasperated.

"You've never made that promise, and I've never asked you too to do that." I nod.

"Well it's something I've promised you in my head, and I'm afraid I'm failing pretty terribly at it."