RULE NO.25

31.Hit By The Truth

I feel something cold and wet against my forehead and begin to squirm and lean away from whatever it is, but it just followed.

"Shhh...stop squirming, you fainted" Grace whispers.

Well, I can officially say that I did a perfect imitation of the Victorian swoon. All the events of the last hour came rushing through me and I felt myself placing a hand against my still flat stomach, afraid to open my eyes for fear of being hit too hard by reality.

How had this happened? I am usually so careful. The boss would be appalled, not that it hadn't happened among the employee's, but it was such a rare occurrence, one that we each prayed would never happen to us on the job, even though I never worked without condoms, but still, they aren't 100% safe.

"I know you are awake, talk to me. You know I'll always be there for you" she says, rubbing my forehead again with the cool cloth.

"What am I going to do?" I ask on a breath, still refusing to open my eyes, afraid to see the wicked eye of fate shining with mirth.

"Whatever you want, its your choice. You know I'll always support you" I feel a tear slide down my cheek, so I open my eyes, only to find Grace with a look filled with so much love and support and that was my undoing. Soon I was sobbing my heart out. I had refused to think of the events of the last three month's, refused to believe or let myself think that he was one of them. How had I even gotten to this point? How?!

Grace just kept crooning softly and murmuring sweet nothings as I cried, speaking without words, as if knowing exactly what I needed.

"What am I going to do?" I ask again on a sob, but I get no reply, not from Grace or the cruel universe, as if silently telling me that it all depends on me.

How am i going to be responsible for another human being when I haven't even sorted out my life. What do I have to offer a child? A living, breathing being.

As I cry, I think back to Ray and everything he made me feel I realise that even if this child is a mistake, I can't say it wasn't concieved with emotions, "Love" being too big a word to use with the kind of relationship I and Ray had.

Soon, I had no tears left to cry, counting far back, I realise I have to decide quickly what to do with the pregnancy before it gets too late.

Adoption is completely out of the question. How would I live with myself knowing I had a child out there somewhere. Without knowing if they were being well taken care of, if they had eaten or not. Knowing the kind of person I am, I'll probably drive myself to an early grave through worry.

So, that leaves two options. To give birth to and take care of my child, or to do the other thing. Thinking about it makes my heart tighten in fear. Do all women feel like this when they get pregnant? Or is it just my circumstances? And what of Ray? If the Jagamolu's find out I have one of their heirs resting in my womb, they'll hunt me to the ends of the earth. I wont have a moments peace in my life! Not that I am not already in hiding, but now I have the upper hand, they dont know who I am yet and I intend to keep it like that for a very long time.

I can't afford to tell Ray, as much as it hurts me to deprive him of the joys of fatherhood, I'd also love to stay alive to take care of my child. As I continued that train of thought, I realised that I unconsciously cancelled the idea of having an abortion.

I sniffled as my tears ceased, I rubbed a hand on my stomach.

"Its going to be okay" I said in a voice hoarse from crying, rubbing my stomach in a circular motion, repeating those words again and again, wanting to really believe them.

I feel Grace grab my other hand and entwine our fingers.

"It is going to be okay, I promise" she says and leans forward to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"Try to sleep, while I get ready for the day, it is almost noon. Clients might start filing in any time soon" she says while tucking me in.

I just nod as I watch her leave and before I know it, I doze off.