Apex of the World

Loving Spirit

They say that you can't love other people until you love yourself.

Sora could never say for sure if this was true. If it was, it invalidated practically everything she had spent years doing. Circumstances had forced her into taking on the motherly role for her companions, and she gave them her entire heart. If they were safe, she would do anything. She gave them all the Love that she possessed, because if she didn't, where would it go?

Her Love sure as hell wasn't going towards herself. She wasn't sure quite when her own self-appreciation had vanished, but when she stumbled into a realm of data and whimsy, it was noticeably absent. She put up a mask of confidence to hide how deeply she struggled to bring herself affection in times when love and preservation were required to survive in a world that tried to kill their spirits daily.

She put on smiles and reached out to those who hurt because if she didn't, she would fall apart. She had to feel useful, and being a shoulder to cry on for other people was the only way that she could manage to do so. Otherwise, the demons would creep in, and no birds with wings bathed in fire could save her from that.

Memories danced through her mind's eye when she tried to solve the mystery behind her lack of self-care. First and foremost, there was the recollection of an argument she had gotten into with her mother. She had been asked to abandon soccer to keep from getting hurt in favor of a safer hobby, and she refused to.

Soccer was a way she coped with her debilitating self-hatred. If she kicked the ball around enough, she could pretend it was her own heart and drain herself of all the dissatisfaction she held with her own abilities. She wasn't sure if it had become such an outlet for her before or after she got into that argument with her mother, before or after they started to drift apart, but she felt it when water swept her into another universe.

They said that she couldn't Love others without loving herself, but she didn't understand.

How was she able to hold her friends, her family, as they cried and whisper sweet words of comfort if she couldn't Love them? How could she sob for them when they hurt? How could she breathe with every ounce of care she had in her body and direct it towards them? Was that all a lie she fabricated to keep herself from slipping into the darkness that seemed to exist silently in all aspects of her life?

Sora struggled with the phrase as soon as she returned to normality. When the world she called home shifted back to its default setting, she was hit with the words that seemed intent on attacking her. Was she truly incapable of caring because she couldn't find it in herself to do the same for her own struggles?

If it wasn't possible, how did her partner form such a strong relationship with her? The pink bird she had come to know as her better half would not have come to care for her if she did not care in return. Her partner would not have evolved to a bird bathed in fires of pure hope to defend her if they did not Love each other, and that required that she find a way to Love her companion.

If it wasn't possible, how did a warrior of crimson appear when all traces of victory seemed lost against an impossible foe? The outline of a heart glowed at her chest to show that she was not as unloving as she had once claimed. Her doubts of being unable to love others were put aside the instant that red light burst forth from her soul.

And yet, the doubts returned. She found the symbol of her very essence in many places, such as on cards meant to embody how much one loved others. How could it embody who she was if she could not Love others? Her mind swirled with confusion as time passed by around her, but she didn't find her answers.

Perhaps she loved despite not being able to love herself.

Maybe the reason she cared so deeply for other people was because she couldn't find that same passion for her own spirit. She did not have the power to grant herself the beauty of self-appreciation, so she ensured that all others had access to that gift. She pressed it into the hands of others and asked that they carve Love for themselves no matter the opposition because she was unsure of how to take her own advice.

Despite the world telling her that it was impossible for her, self-loathing and paranoid, to Love others, she did. In an act of defiance against a universe that claimed it was not allowed, she cared.

As she grew older, the illusion appeared that she became compliant, feminine, and lost her rebellious spirit. In truth, she internalized it and let it illuminate her path towards the future. Her resistance was kept deep inside, right next to her heart, because she defied the world and cared when it was deemed impossible.

She gave others the gift of Love that she could not enjoy. She longed to feel the warmth of self-esteem, but even if she couldn't, she was happy seeing that others could. She let her Love lead her towards the path that might grant her the power to see value in her own existence. Until she could feel that luscious emotion for herself, she would do all she could to lead others to it.

They said that she couldn't love other people until she loved herself, but she didn't care. She loved other people because she couldn't Love herself, and she would continue to do so forever regardless of if she found the power to follow in their footsteps on her own.

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Highkey my favorite one so far stan Sora

-Digital