You Just Need A Hand | Ambi & Tyrus

3

Andi's POV

I don't know what I'm doing. Amber's dropped on to our booth at the Spoon at the end of her shift, complaining about foot pain; A perfectly normal occurrence. But... it feels different now. Her hand's resting on my knee and it's making it very difficult to process any of the words she's saying, for that fact, anything that anyone is saying. But I find I don't particularly care, because I like just listening to her voice, and being aware of that hand. Some insane, weird part of me wants to take that hand. With all this energy I seem to be expending Amber's hand; I notice that she's still wearing the bracelet I made her last week, just like she was yesterday when I saw her, and that makes my face hurt with this huge grin that doesn't make sense. I'm quick to smother it, because there's no way I could get past Buffy or Cyrus with that kind of thing.

"Earth to Andi Mack?" Buffy says, waving her hand in my face, looking perplexed.

"What's up with you? Why are you all gone all starry-eyed?" Cyrus adds, his eyes suddenly bright with curiosity.

Okay, so maybe it's impossible for me to get past them with anything.

Every pair of eyes at the table zero in on me in that instant and I find myself needing to pay more attention to my breathing in order to keep doing it properly. I make it a point not to risk looking at Amber. It takes a scary amount of self restraint.

"It's nothing." I say quickly, but my hand betrays me, twisting the bracelet Amber made me nervously. I really hope she doesn't notice.

"'Nothing' doesn't make your voice go all wimpy like that." Buffy says matter-of-factly

"Hey! Don't call her wimpy! Just because she occasionally doesn't tell you every tiny insecurity of her's doesn't mean she's a wimp." Amber snaps. Her words, miraculously, shut down the whole conversation. I don't know how that possibly worked, but it's not helping with the warm gooey feeling in my chest right now. I don't really care though, it's a fun feeling, even if it makes no sense. My mouth curls into a little smile as I continue to fiddle with the bracelet. The bracelet she gave me, just because she wanted to, she wanted to give me a gift. Why is that so important to me? Am I going insane? She's a girl who's my friend. Girls give each other gifts all the time. This is a friendship bracelet. So then, why is it so hard for me to convince myself to take it off? Why does the thought of Amber giving me a gift make me so smiley I lose control of my face muscles? I try to say it to myself again to see if I hate the facts less this time; she's a girl who's my friend who gave me a friendship bracelet, that's all. That's all. So... the thing is, saying that feels a little like puncturing a hole in a balloon. It feels so incomplete. It feels like Amber and I don't fit like that, like friends, like that's only half our potential and we're disappointing the universe just being friends.

This is so weird. Why am I spending so much time trying to figure this out, it doesn't matter, there's no word for it anyway, she's a straight girl, and I'm a straight girl. There's no way for us to be more than friends. I am truly going insane. Or... I'm being an idiot and the word that means I want to be more than friends with a girl should've been obvious at the very beginning of this spiral I'm going down. And... crap.

No, no no...

I really don't want to do this. I like being straight. It's simple. It's easy. Everything is okay. Crap. No. It's fine. This will all fade and you can ignore it. You can be normal. You don't have to deal with this. I can't. Not yet. Not right now. I felt so normal for the first time in like three years... Why does this have to happen now?! Why can't it just never happen? Do I ever get to feel normal again? I'm spiralling and I'm being stupid, and I know that, but right now, as much as the irrational parts of my brain dislike me for it, I just really need to get away from Amber. I clearly can't have a clear head around her. I quickly murmur some lame excuse for why I have to leave that I don't even hear and rush away from my friends and the girl who's hand is still resting on my leg. That leg feels lonely and incomplete now without her hand when I spring up from the table and she moves it.