You Just Need A Hand | Ambi & Tyrus

4

TJ POV

I sit down at the piano. I need to think. Cyrus' parents have patients all day on Monday's, not a super big problem when Cyrus has school, but it's June now, so instead of staying in his room being as quiet as possible so he doesn't distract or freak out any of his parents' patients, he's been coming here, supplying me with a million opportunities to be honest with him, and a mountious collection of times our bodies have knocked into or brushed up against each other to obsess over. He just left for the day, and I miss him so much, even though he's the most confusing, excruciating and amazing person in the world for me right now. Those are three emotions that shouldn't be allowed to all be connected to the same person, let alone be happening at the same time. It's baffling, and for some reason... I kind of like it. Cyrus is special to me. He's baffling, of course he is, but the confusion is kind of exhilarating.

 I pick up a book that my mom left at the house when she moved out, along with this keyboard I originally learned piano on, the cheap one I at some point in my childhood before I could memories, covered in a rainbow of fingerpaint handprints. I flip through, finding a piece of sheet music that was shoved into the back of the little book at some point. "She" by Dodie Clark. I scan the lyrics, and almost laugh. Whoever 'she' is, Cyrus is my 'she'.

I sigh and start playing, finding myself singing along under my breath with the pronouns switched. Applying common sense to the situation, should I have changed the pronouns? Maybe not. But Dad and Amber are at work, Jesse is out with his fiance, and I'm in the basement anyway, Chloe, the only one home, is two stories above me, and there's no way she can hear me. I'm carried away into the song, letting my brain slip away happily until all I can hear is piano and my voice, and I'm practically melting into memories with Cyrus. How, without fail, he defends when I do something stupid and his friends hate me, how he was so persistent in the time when Buffy hated me, just so all his friends could co-exist without biting each other's heads off. And we all know how difficult it is to convince Buffy Driscoll people have the capacity to improve. I just, I always feel so safe around Cyrus. He was the first of my friends I ever even considered telling about my parents' divorce, he was the first person I ever willingly told about my dyscalculia. I've told him everything I ever told anyone outside my family. I'm not even sure I'd be able to keep my name from him if he ever wanted to know. Being around him feels like being wrapped in an amazing soft blanket made of sunlight and joy where absolutely everything's okay. I'm more myself around Cyrus than I am around any other person on the planet. I wish I could tell him this. I wish he could take my hand and lead me through these uncharted waters, make it easier the way he makes everything else easier for me. But I can't. This is the one thing I can't tell him, because I can't imagine a scenario where I don't tell him far too much, and I can't risk losing him. Ever. No matter how high the reward could be on the slim chance I'm the luckiest person ever and he likes me back. I restart and focus on the song, suddenly very angry that all of this has to be happening. Why does my brain have to complicate this, why can't we just be friends, what's wrong with that? Nothing. Nothing was wrong then, it was simple, and just as amazing.

I'd never tell

No, I'd never say a word

And though it aches, it feels oddly good to hurt...

You would find him in a polaroid picture

And he...

means everything to me

And I'll be okay admiring from afar

Because even when he's next to me we could not be more far apart.

I stop then, nearly jumping out of my skin at the soft creak of a door opening behind me. I quickly shove the song back into the book it fell out of, and switch to a different song, one much safer, "Piano Man" by Billy Joel. It's one of my dad's favorite songs, I'm sure if he had enough sons, he'd end up with a Billy or a Joel eventually.