Lessons I Learned from the Men Who Tried to Love Me

Lesson #1: All Issues are Daddy Issues

I have "Daddy" issues. You'll hear me say that often throughout this journey. I say it jokingly, most times, but it's because I was almost 30 before I realized that I had them. Truthfully, I think we all have "Daddy" issues. Even more than that, I think everyone's issues are tied to their dad, or lack thereof. Now, before you protest because you have a totally awesome, absolutely unproblematic dad, I would like to say that I agree, your dad is probably great, AND, you have "Daddy" issues. Because you are human, you have issues, and all issues, in my most humble opinion, can be traced ultimately back to Dad. Hear me out.

The role of the father is arguably the most important role in our lives. Encompassed within this role is every aspect of God's identity apart from his divinity. We understand our heavenly Father as Guide, Protector, Provider, Counselor, and Comforter. These are also what we expect from our earthly fathers. Because all earthly fathers are human, they are flawed, and because they are flawed, it is impossible to get all of these right all of the time. They have issues and their issues are often reflected in the choices their children make. Who to date, or not to date, where to work, what to value, how to treat others, on whom to show compassion, from whom to withhold mercy, what is intolerable, what is worthy of our time, what is inconsequential. All of these decisions can often be tied directly back to the relationship with our earthly fathers. Ultimately, the biggest decision we will ever make is a reflection of that relationship: who or what deserves our worship.

What I've found in my years of serving as a counselor for others is that there exists a direct correlation between one's relationship with an earthly father or father figure and one's relationship with the Heavenly Father. It was in further exploration of this concept where I first scratched the surface of my "Daddy" issues.

I have been active in youth ministry in some form or fashion my entire adult life. I love teenagers. I think they are one of the most interesting and engaging groups of people. So, I have often found myself imparting some sort of wisdom in or giving some sort of advice to them. And why wouldn't I share my wisdom? I have experienced so much of what I know teenagers are contending with: sexual abuse, risky sexual behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse. I've been kidnapped, robbed, raped, done drugs, sold drugs, had an abortion, been a teen mom, been homeless. I have endured so much and survived unscathed, or so I thought. I am the poster child for surviving trauma, so, naturally, I would have all of the answers, right?. I am a fixer, so when I hear a problem that seems within my skill set to solve, I will try. Because I beat my trauma, now I can show the teenagers of America how to beat theirs. This is exactly what I tried to do, week after week, as one of the leaders of my church's youth outreach ministry, Boys II Men/ MOLD (Making Our Ladies Divine). In our BIIM.MOLD meetings, I was always confronted with some sort of problem that teenagers needed my help to solve. One lesson I've learned is that in order to solve a problem, you've got to get to the root. And that's what I planned to do, help my kids get to the root of their issues.

In preparation for the upcoming, I designed an introspective exercise called "Roots and Fruits". The purpose of the activity was to trace various behaviors, those perceived as healthy and unhealthy, back to their roots by asking oneself one simple question, "Why?" In good teacher practice, I modeled what the process should look like by examining my own roots and fruits. I erased the whiteboard positioned on the wall behind me and began to visually track my responses. Here's how it went:

"What healthy or unhealthy behaviors do I presently exhibit or have done in the past?"

Well, I worked really hard to get As in graduate school.

"Why?"

Because I like to get As.

"Why?"

Because it makes me feel good.

"Why?"

Because I feel better about myself when I achieve things.

"Why?"

Because I think the "me" that achieves great things is better than the "me" who doesn't.

"Why?"

Because that's when I got the most attention. When I achieved things, I got more attention. That's when people showed up for me the most, especially my dad. My dad for sure.

Pause. Silence. And then tears. In front of a room full of teenagers. Teenagers who had come to be helped by me watched me have one of the biggest emotional epiphanies of my life.

It wasn't just the admission that I thought my dad paid more attention to me when I achieved accomplishments. It was the revelation that so much of what I had done, both healthy and unhealthy, was because I wanted to be seen. I just wanted to be seen. When I chose to have sex, even though I didn't really want to. When I agreed to take on extra responsibilities at work, even though my plate was already full. When I got really upset when my husband didn't give me the response that I was looking for after sharing my good news with him. All my life, I had been wanting to feel seen. It also helped me realize why I had always had trouble accepting that God loved me for me. Why I always felt the pressure to perform, to achieve, to accomplish, to be recognized for being good enough. "Dad left because I wasn't good enough. He came back when I was. When I had proven I deserved attention."

In my rational brain, I know that this isn't true. I know my mom and dad's divorce had nothing to do with me. I know that he moved away when I was 11 because he saw an opportunity to make a better life not only for himself but for my sister and me as well. I know he saw me as much as he could. I know he meant well. But what we know in our rational minds and what shows up in our everyday actions are not always the same.

This activity launched the peeling back of the layers of my "Daddy" issues, and how this book came to be. Dad was the root. But what I would soon have to face was all of the fruit that hung from the tree of rejection that stood tall in the middle of my garden.

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