Lessons I Learned from the Men Who Tried to Love Me

Lesson 4: If It Seems Too Good to Be True, It Is.

Meet Guido

During my junior year of college, I was accepted into the Ronald E. McNair Scholars program, a federally-funded initiative aimed at increasing the number of underrepresented populations in various doctoral programs. One of the perks of this program was the opportunity to attend research conferences all over the country to learn how to best design and present independent research. One year, we visited a small, private university in Northern California.

We arrived at our hotel on a warm, Wednesday evening. The woman at the checkout desk informed us that we would be sharing the hotel with a pit crew who had come to attend a racing event. The next morning, several guys from the crew waited just outside the front door of the hotel as the 14 of us college students waited for Joseph, our program director, and his assistant to arrive with the vans that would transport us over to the university for the day's events.

A tall, caramel-skinned guy who looked to be in his early 30s approached me as I waited near the curb.

"What are y'all doing?" he asked. I explained to him who we were and why we had come to California. He seemed genuinely intrigued. "Oh, word? What's your major?" His accent reminded me of the east coast, maybe Brooklyn or Harlem. I caught a glimpse of his teeth. They were perfect. Straight and white.

"Psychology," I responded without offering anything more.

"Oh, I love psychology," he said.

"That's what everyone who doesn't study psychology says," I shot back, unimpressed, assuming he didn't know enough about the topic to have an informed opinion of it.

"Let me ask you a question: who do you think is more emotional in relationships, men or women?"

Now, I was intrigued. I took a second to gather my thoughts, wanting my answer to be thoughtful and provocative.

"Well," I responded, "I guess that depends on how you define 'emotional'. Most people assume that emotions are only the hysterics one would ascribe to crazy, stereotypical women that we see in movies. However, if we consider the emotions that men display, like anger, pride, and jealousy, then men have women beat, hands down." I couldn't help but think about my fiancé, Michael, when I crafted my answer. He had shown me the range of emotions a man could experience in relationships, sometimes displaying several in the same day. Anger. Reverence. Pride. Devotion. Jealousy. Adoration.

The mysterious stranger's mouth curled into a smile. I could tell he was impressed with my answer. And I was impressed that he was impressed. He wore a baseball cap that fit tightly on his head. He peered at me from under the brim. His eyes were piercing, almost enchanting, as if he was searching parts of me that I didn't give him permission to see.

Looking me straight in the eyes, he continued his assessment. "So, who do you think is more manipulative, men or women?" he asked. I pondered his question.

"I don't think either one is more or less manipulative than the other. I think everyone is manipulative and everyone works to achieve a goal. Doing whatever they have to do to get the job done. They may not mean it to be harmful. They're only trying to accomplish what they set out to accomplish." I answered. 

He smiled.

Just then, Joseph pulled up and ushered everyone into the van. The stranger stuck out his hand and introduced himself: "I'm G. It was nice talking to you."

"I'm Journi, and I'm in room 243 if you want to finish this conversation later."

I caught glances from several of my trip mates as I settled into my seat. I ignored them and pretended as if I didn't understand why they were looking at me so funny when I had just given a complete stranger my hotel room number after a ten-minute conversation. As the van rolled away, I sat in the excitement the conversation had stirred, content with the idea that this brief and stimulating conversation would be all I would ever share with this mystery man.