Lessons I Learned from the Men Who Tried to Love Me

Lesson 6: Everything That Glitters Ain't Gold

I had to keep reminding myself that it was okay to feel what I was feeling for G. He had been nothing but a complete gentleman. After we left Bennigan's, we sat in his team van for hours talking about everything and nothing at all. It was 6:00 AM before I made it to my hotel room door. He told me that he wanted to hang out again later that evening, and he would call me once he and his team were done at the track for the day. I said "okay" and shut the door.

"OMG! Where have you been?" Megan, my roommate screamed. She was sitting on her bed in her pajama shorts set like a worried mother who had waited up all night for her rebellious teenager to get home.

"Nowhere. Just hanging out in the parking lot," I said. She tried to ask more questions, but I waved her off, telling her I needed at least an hour of sleep before showering and meeting Joseph in the lobby for our 8:00 AM departure time. Truthfully, I wasn't comfortable talking to her about G. Everyone on the trip knew I had a fiance, and without the full context, would undoubtedly pass judgment on me for my actions.

I made it to the lobby on time, dressed in a gray and maroon striped pants suit, maroon blouse, black heels, and black shades. Joseph made some shady comments before we headed back to the campus about respecting the 2:00 AM curfew, throwing knowing glances in my direction that I pretended not to see.

The sun that day was brutal. I don't know if it was my pantsuit in the 90-degree, Californian heat or the tequila still coursing through my bloodstream, but I was exhausted. Joseph laughed at me throughout the day, resolving that I deserved every ounce of misery I was experiencing for breaking curfew and showing up obviously hungover. I told Joseph that I did not feel well and begged him to take me back to the hotel once we had completed the day's events.

"But we're supposed to have our group Mexican dinner together tonight. You already paid for it," he said.

I was so nauseated; there was no way I was going anywhere near Mexican food. "Please, my head is pounding. I just want to go back to the room to lie down," I said. He agreed and drove the 30 minutes through the mountains back to the hotel.

"Ok. Feel better," Joseph said as I hopped out of the van.

"Thanks," I said, trying to sound sad. "Have fun tonight."

"I'll call the room to check on you a little later. Do you want me to bring you something back?" he asked.

"Don't worry about me; I'll be fine." I waved him on. I had been feeling ill, but truthfully, I wanted to be at the hotel when G got back. Once I made it to my room, I suddenly felt a lot better.

I showered and wore something really cute but seemingly effortless, a tank and a pair of bike shorts. I fixed my hair and dabbed on my perfume. With my roommate gone for the evening, I was prepared for a relaxing night in. There was nothing left to do but wait for his call. So I did. I waited. And waited. And waited. 3:00 PM...4:30 PM... 5:50 PM... 7:20 PM. Still no call. I lay across my bed to watch television and ended up falling asleep. At 10:45 PM, my phone rang.

"Hey, baby. I'm so sorry. My co-workers wanted to grab a drink and something to eat at a bar by the track. They didn't want to leave." G's voice was smooth through the receiver.

"Why didn't you call?" I gave little effort to conceal my disappointment.

"I called the front desk and left a message. They didn't call you?" He sounded upset.

"No," I answered, pouting a little at this point. I was happy he had at least tried to get a message to me. That he hadn't just left me waiting, but thought enough of me to let me know that he was thinking of me as much as I was thinking of him. In the back of my mind, I wondered if he was lying.

"I'm so sorry. I'm going to make it up to you," he promised, "My coworkers are hanging out in town tonight. Do you want to go?"

I wanted to say "No!" I wanted to scream: "I'm exhausted! I'm not going anywhere." But he was irresistible. "Sure," I said.

"Cool. I'll come get you in 10."

I jumped out of my bed to get dressed. My roommate, Megan, sat up, ears perked like a Siamese cat.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Out." I couldn't give her too many details. I was, in fact, engaged.

No matter what I felt in my heart, all they knew was the ring I wore on the third finger of my left hand should mean more than it seemed like it meant to me.

I headed out of the door in time to see G headed toward me. I didn't want him to knock for fear that Megan would see us together. He hugged me and kissed me lightly on the cheek. After helping me into the team van, we headed to a bar not too far from our hotel.

G was a complete gentleman. He paid for everything. He attended to my every need. He was so attentive and sweet, but he was also very handsome with an insane sex appeal. When he talked to me, he stood so close to me that I could feel the heat of his body. Even when he wasn't talking to me, he was always touching me, caressing me, desiring to connect with me. I thanked God for both of our roommates because as long as they were around, we would never be completely alone together.

We made it back to the hotel around 2:00 AM. He told me that his team would be having dinner at a really nice restaurant that evening and invited me to be his date. I accepted his invitation. In order to avoid any further confusion, we exchanged cell phone numbers. I bid him goodnight and floated through the door. Thankfully, Megan was sound asleep so I didn't have to answer any questions.

The next morning we headed back to the university for more tours and research conferences. G and I talked on the phone the whole time. Once we finally hung up, Joseph teased me about my divided attention.

"Journi, does your fiancé miss you that badly?" he asked.

"What?" I said, genuinely confused.

"You've been talking to him the whole time. You're supposed to be hanging out with us, but you can't stay off the phone with him," he joked.

"Oh, sorry." I blushed.

On the way back to the hotel, I fantasized about being with G. Not just sexually, but romantically. How it would feel to be his girlfriend.

I knew this whirlwind would end once I boarded the plane back to Detroit, but I imagined a life where it didn't have to.

Thank God for Megan, I thought.

"I'm going to Oakland tonight. So you'll have the room all to yourself." Megan said once we made it back to our room.

"What?" I almost screamed it at her.

"Yeah, I have a friend who lives in Oakland. I'm going to go stay with her tonight," she said.

"Does Joseph know?"

"Yes, he approved. Said it was cool for me to meet you guys at the university in the morning."

I was all at once ecstatic and terrified. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. I would have to make a choice. Would I give in to my desire or remain true to my convictions. Regardless of how I felt, I was still in a relationship with Michael, and there were boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. My emotions volleyed between giddy school girl and responsible, mature adult.

I can't believe we can spend the night alone together. I'm actually going to get a chance to be with him.

Don't tell him you're alone. That way, you can still avoid this temptation trap.

My id and superego argued over whether or not I would tell G that my hotel room would be empty for the night. Instead of siding with one or the other, I decided to get dressed.

I slipped on a black halter dress that hugged my curves and pinned up my hair. My phone buzzed, it was a text from G: I'm on my way to pick you up. I stared at my reflection in the mirror that hung on the wall. I slid my engagement ring off my finger and laid it on the dresser. I could hear G coming down the hall. This time I let him knock on the door.

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