Lessons I Learned from the Men Who Tried to Love Me

Lesson 10: We Don't Lose Our Virginities; We Leave Them.

It was summertime in Lincoln Park, a small, blue-collar suburb just outside of the Detroit city limits. Nothing was ever going in the summer, but my friends and I always found ways to invent trouble. Erick, my 19-year-old "boyfriend", had come over to hang out while my mom was at work. Erick was the man that taught me that there was nothing to be gained from trusting a man. I lost my virginity to him at the age of 14. Though I never really understood the phrase "I lost my virginity..." I didn't lose it. I left it. I know exactly where I left it, too. I left it at Erick's house. As a matter of fact, it was a Friday. January 8, 1999, to be exact.

I had decided to skip school and go to Erick's house to leave my virginity there. It's not the way I wanted it to happen, but according to my best friend and resident sex expert (considering she was the only one of my close friends having sex) my virginity had already been jeopardized. One night, I let Erick explore me with his hand a little too roughly. There was blood on his fingers when he pulled them out of me. He was puzzled, and I pretended not to know why. I had told him that I wasn't a virgin. Aren't all the cool girls having sex already? I didn't want to be a "lame". Renee, my friend, told me that this meant I wasn't a virgin anymore. My "cherry" was "popped". I had dreamed of waiting until I was in love. Until I knew it was the right guy. Erick wasn't the right guy. He was just a guy. A man. He was 19 and interested in me. Since Renee was the most experienced of us all, and I for damn sure couldn't ask my mother about the status of my virginity, I decided to trust Renee's advice: "You might as well go all the way."

What I would learn much later in life is that Renee's virginity was taken from her when she was 12 by a much older man, a neighbor. She never had the choice to give herself to an "Erick" or not. Maybe she wanted to experience her first time vicariously through me or maybe she just didn't want to be alone in this phase of womanhood we were haphazardly exploring. So, she and I ditched school and went to Erick's. The house was full of his "boys", and I think they all knew why we had come. I hadn't thought about how I would tell him that he would be my first, but I knew I wanted him to know beforehand. It's a special thing, what I'm giving him after all.

We were in the bed before I mustered enough courage to tell him. He rolled me beneath him, and as he settled himself between my legs, I whispered, "I'm a virgin."
"What?" He seemed upset.

Why is he upset? Isn't this a good thing?

After a short exchange of questions and answers, he asked me once more: "Do you need a towel?" I didn't understand his question, so I said, "No."

The pain didn't last long and neither did he. He asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom. Again, I didn't understand his question, so I answered no, again. He left out of the room, and Renee came in. She asked me how I felt. I didn't feel anything. Did I miss something? What should I feel like? She then asked me about the blood. "What blood?" I asked. As I pulled back the covers, a deep gasp escaped my lips. The blood was a fresh red. The cranberry stain was a sign of the permanence of my decision. I had crossed a line from which there was no return. 

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, trying to convince myself that I was okay with what had just happened. Erick may not have been who I had imagined I'd be with, but I could be happy with him, couldn't I?

Just after I had finished cleaning myself up, I cracked the bathroom door just in time to hear Erick and his friend, Elijah, discussing what had just happened.
"Man, she was a virgin." Erick told him.
"Awww, shoot. You ain't gone be able to get rid of her." Elijah shot back.
My heart sank. I didn't wait to hear Erick's response. It's quite possible he didn't want to get rid of me. But, it didn't matter. Elijah's words had sealed the deal. 

Guys don't like clingy girls. Don't be one of those girls.

In that moment, I promised myself that Erick (or any other guy) would never have to worry about me being clingy. I resolved, instead, to be a man-eater. To get them before they could get me. In that moment, relationships became nothing more than a race to the finish line. I would hurt you before you would, inevitably, hurt me, and sex would be my bait. Men couldn't be trusted and had nothing to offer but pain and disappointment. So, I'd devour them. I'd devour their lies, and their deceptions, their falsehoods. I'd reel them in, chew them up, and spit out the bones.

__________________________________________

Hey! Thanks for reading. If you liked this chapter, please consider giving it a vote!