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Story Prompt #4

this has slight mentions of depression, self-harm and abuse. so if you can't handle that or you get triggered easily, do not read.

a message to anyone who is experiencing depression: hang in there. I know you might not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes you don't have to see it believe that everything will be alright. you are loved. you are enough. never let anyone tell you that you have to act one way or look a certain way. you are beautiful human being.

Dialogue Prompt: "please, don't go. give me one more day."

italics are thoughts

First person pov:
I got home from a long day of work, ready to just crash with my best friend and boyfriend with a movie. tossing my keys on the counter, i look around for my boyfriend.

"Zander? Zander, where are you?"

I hear a sound from the bathroom.

He must be in the shower.

knocking, I wait for an answer. but I get nothing.

"Zander, I know your in there. what are you doing?"

I hear something like glass shatter. concerned now, I try to open the door.

"Zander? youre scaring me. please open the door."

again, no answer. I reach up above the door frame to get the key to unlook the door. and when I did, I almost fainted.

"Zander!! what happened?!?!"

there was blood everywhere. on the mirror, toilet, sink, tub, everywhere. I rush to get rags from underneath the sink to staunch the blood flow that I see is coming from his arms and face.

"Zander, please, answer me."

"it needs to all stop," he whispers. it's so quite, that I almost missed it. but I knew what he was talking about. he was taking about his life. yeah, my boyfriend has depression. but his depression wouldn't push me away. we had gone to therapy after the first time I found him like this. I thought it was helping. but everytime I would come home from a long day at work, I would find fresh bandages on his wrists.

"Zander, we've been over this. there is so much to live for."

"no there isn't, Willa. everyday, it becomes harder to see all the good that you talk about. I'm sick of everything that has happened to me."

"everything that has happened to you shouldn't decided how you live."

"Willa, what do I have to live for? my father left my mom, Brandon and me when I was 4. my stepfather beat Brandon so much, he killed him. Brandon, my older brother, took every beating to protect me and it cost him his life. and now, my mom has been in a coma for the last 4 weeks because of a drunk driver. I don't see how I have anything to live for."

I slowly wrap his arms in new bandages. I'm quite through all of this. and when I speak, I try to hold back all my tears.

"what about me? do I not matter?"

my voice broke a little bit. his face softened a little bit.

"of course you matter, dove. but you have your entire life in front of you. I would just slow you down. you should let me go."

and that's the tipping point. I can't handle anymore of it. I've tried to keep my tears to myself, but I can't anymore.

"I don't want anyone else but you," I sob. "you're the one I choose."

"Willa! you don't know how I feel! I am so broken. there is no way from me to be fixed. even if you tried your hardest, I would still be as broken as I am right now."

"then talk to me! help me understand!"

"you could never understand. I want to die. Every single day. the words I have said to myself. the things I think. I can't take it anymore!"

he gets up from his position on the floor and stnad there looking at the sink.

"you think I don't know that you want to kill yourself?!?! I've know for the past 3 years of my life. you remind me everyday. don't think that I am oblivious to the bandages you have on your arm when I come home. that are fresh with blood. I've been trying the last 3 years to show you that there is still so much to live for, despite everything that has happened. but I guess I wasn't enough."

he turns to look at me, mouth open. he goes to say something, but I stop him. at this point, it's not a lite flow of tears. no, the watergates have opened. every tear that I've wanted to cry that I've held back for so long, all come out now.

"I know you have this plan. you've had this date in your mind for a long time. every single morning, when I wake up, and you're not next to me, I think, that's it. hes gone and he didn't say goodbye."

"baby, you are more than enough. I just can't be what you want me to be. I can't be there for you life a normal boyfriend."

"no, you don't get it! I don't want a normal boyfriend. normal is to boring. I want you. please, stay with me!"

zander looks into my eyes. I'm begging, praying to God, that he stays. that he sees everything he needs to for him to stay with me. but I knew, deep down, he wouldn't change his mind.

"I'm sorry, dove. but I can't go on any longer."

he starts to walk out, out of the bathroom and towards the door of our apartment. but before he could make it past the kitchen, I grab his hand.

"please, stay. one more day. the date you set isn't until tomorrow. why do you have to do it today? please, don't go. give me one more day. one more night. here, with me. just us. please. let me cuddle with you one more time...before I have to bury you."

I never beg. but I'm about to lose my best friend, my boyfriend, my other half. I can't lose him just like that. not without one more try. I'm a sobbing wreck right now, but I don't care.

"please," I whisper. hoping, praying, that he at least gives me this. before I have to make any arrangements. our eyes meet. I see the broken man he has become. but I also see a small glimmer of the boy he used to be. the boy who, even though his stepfather was beating him and his brother up, would pull me close and tell me it is alright whenever I got hurt the tiniest bit. the boy who would plan these small, cute dates. the boy who was nervous to ask me, his girlfriend, to the school dance. the boy that I fell in love with.

"okay. one more night."

I break down again and he pulls me into a right hug. he picks me up and brings me to the couch and lays down, with my head on his chest. his hand strokes my hair in a soothing way. my sobs slow down as I listen to his steady heartbeat. a heartbeat I won't ever hear again after tonight. I fall asleep, with hope that when the night is over, he changes his mind. that he decides to stay here with me. but I know that wont happen. because wishing for that to happen is like wishing for rain in a drought. and even though it eventually comes, it's too late, because the damage has already been done.