Salesman: Hello again! It's me. This is the end of the play. I guess you thought that there was gonna be a grand display of comedic genius for the finale. But you forgot that Max wrote this play. Or maybe you're waiting for all the scenes to syzygize into one complete narrative. Honestly, even I don't know what this was supposed to come to. I guess we could do an Oprah Winfrey's Where Are They Now?-esque recap sequence. That'll probably fill some pages up. Let's see...
*Helen and Brad enter*
Salesman: We started with Helen and Brock.
Helen: Brad.
Salesman: That's what I said. Helen was head over heels for Kyle. So, I showed up to her apartment to help her get ready for her date.
Helen: But I shut the door on him before he could sell me anything.
Salesman: And after that. They went on to get married. Isn't that lovely?
*Helen and Brad walk off*
Salesman: And cue the three stooges.
*Leader and Members walk on.*
Salesman: These three were trying to summon a demon.
Leader: Which we technically accomplished.
Salesman: Yep. But they pissed me off so I took him down to Hell.
Member 1: And then, he got chewed out by his boss.
Member 2: Dude got a full on monologue.
Salesman: Thank you for that lovely recap.
Member 1: No problem, Boblem.
Salesman: After returning from Hell, they dropped the cult business and got real jobs.
Member 2: Professional vaping is a job?
Salesman: THAT'S what you've been doing? I thought you got a job at Walmart or something.
Member 2: Nah. They fired me. I ate too many free samples.
Salesman: They don't do free samples at Walmart.
Member 2: That's probably why they fired me.
Salesman: Okay... Rufus? Take Bill and Ted and get off the stage. I need to finish this outro.
Member 1: Bye! *turns to Member 2* Hey dude, where's my car?
*Leader and Members exit*
Salesman: And who could forget the scene that makes less sense than all the others combined?
*Paul enters*
Paul: Now judging by that last scene, we both know that's not true.
Salesman: This is Paul. He didn't have a storyline, but he did have a lot of 4th wall breaking. But that scene was getting nowhere fast. So we didn't learn anything about him.
Paul: I have sooo much character potential.
Salesman: Well, we're not fulfilling that potential. Because I don't care enough about you to do that.
*Paul exits. Mockingly offended.*
Barry: *yelling as loud as possible* CLOUDS!!!!
Salesman: Aaah. Like a boom of thunder. Heh. Get it? Thunder. Whatever.
*Barry enters*
Salesman: This is Barry. This Nimrod has his head so far in the clouds-
Barry: CLOUDS?
Salesman: My point exactly. He broke into my house and broke his mind, and I didn't even do anything. He just kinda went cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
*Barry exits, Satan enters.*
Satan: And as for the salesman... He was fired.
Salesman: What? Seriously? In front of the audience? *points to audience*
Satan: Yeah. This'll serve as a cautionary tale to you and all watching. DO. YOUR. DAMN. JOB.
*Satan exits, Salesman turns.*
Salesman: Welp. That's the end. That's all folks! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Y'know. When one door closes-
*Lights down*
*end of play*
YOU ARE READING
Door to Door
HumorA 12 page script I wrote last year for my play writing class. It's about a supernatural salesman who sucks at his job.
