*room with altar in the center, group of people gathered around altar*
*improvise a line for everyone to chant*
Leader: Are you ready... to ascend to the next plane?
Members: *indistinct agreement*
Leader: Tonight is the night we find our new sacrifice! Tonight we dine with gods. Tonight we complete-
*knock at door*
Leader: one sec guys, I think the pizza's here.
*opens the door*
Salesman: *smugly* Wassup, babe.
Leader: Uh... hi?
Salesman: Hello. How is everyone today?
Leader: Good, I guess... Hey, we're kinda in the middle of something here man.
Salesman: I can see that. You guys know I can hear all your chanting from outside, right?
Leader: Well, did you just come to complain, or was there an actual purpose to your visit?
Salesman: Simmer down, Tom Cruise. I'm getting to that.
*beat*
I'm the man who can make your dreams come true! I can help you reach your goals! I'm the-
Member 1: So your saying you can sell us anything, right.
Salesman: Within reason, of cour-
Member 2: I WANT GARLIC KNOTS.
Salesman: Excuse me, what?
Member 2: They're like little bread twists with like a-
Salesman: I know what garlic knots are. I was just surprised by the abruptness of that request. I mean, that was so out of left field the spectators threw it. May I ask why?
Member 2: Ya boi just wants some knots.
*Member 1 smacks Member 2 on the back of the head*
Leader: That is a really dumb idea.
Member 1: Yeah. Ask for infinite wishes, or something.
Salesman: I'm not a genie, you stale ham sandwiches.
Member 2: Sorry *said flippantly*
*beat*
Salesman: Can I join the festivities?
Leader: No.
Members: *at the same time* Yes!
*Leader stares angrily*
*Salesman walks over to the altar.*
Leader: *to members* Why did you invite him?
Member 1: Well, you said to always look for new members.
Leader: And what do I always say about new members?
Members: *dejectedly* Never talk to anyone smarter than us.
Salesman: *look of genuine disappointment* What is this.
Member 1: It's a pentagram sir.
Salesman: No it's not. Pentagrams have five points.
Member 2: Yeah! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5!
Salesman: *In a bout of Righteous Anger points to the point not counted* 6!
Members: *Amazement*
Salesman: Where are your candles.
Leader: Hmm?
Salesman: Where are your peppercorn scented candles? If you're trying to summon Satan, you need the candles that are straight from hell itself.
Leader: I don't think they make those here.
Salesman: They do, your just not looking hard enough. Why don't you have sacrifice?
Member 1: Oh, we don't have one.
Salesman: Yeah, I just said that, Doug E. Fresh, try to keep up. Why?
Member 2: No one wants to.
Salesman: Your supposed to use like a goat, or something.
Member 1: We kept asking the goats, but they kept saying, "Nyeeeeeeeegh" *Said like a goat's bleating*
Salesman: *clearly has given up, points to Leader* You, grab Fanboy and Chum Chum and follow me. We're going on a Field Trip.
Member 1: *leaving* Please let this be a normal field trip.
Member 2: *running past Member 1* With the Friz? No way!
Leader: Where are we going?
Salesman: Hell. Since you guys love jazz squaring on my last nerve, I'll leave you to my little brother.
*end of scene*
YOU ARE READING
Door to Door
HumorA 12 page script I wrote last year for my play writing class. It's about a supernatural salesman who sucks at his job.
