A Toast for the Wayward

Chapter 1

It is, unfortunately, quite unusual to get a good night's rest. It's really fucked up. Just think about it. A third of your time alive is spent pretending to not be that, yet it never seems to be enough. You wake up every day, your whole body feeling sluggish and you utter those immortal words. 'Ugh, I wish I could go back to bed.' Of course, if you do, then it becomes too much sleep! The exact same problem occurs, though the execution is different. Then you spend the whole day wondering, why can't I just turn into a toaster? Those don't seem tired. And where is that sweet spot? Everybody tells you what to do to find it, but let's be real, it never helps. Or maybe I just never tried.

Today is different. As soon as I woke up, a rush of energy hit me and I just knew today was going to be my day. The morning didn't bring despair into my heart, it rather gave me joy. Joy, that even though was small, was very much needed right now. Although it is hindered by a couple of small things. Exactly three of them.

First of all, I cannot move, therefore I cannot get out of my bed. This does become a moot point fairly quickly, because, secondly: I am not in my bed. Or in my room. Or any room just in general. I am under a very nice tree in the middle of a field. Where? I haven't had the patience to figure it out yet, in view of the fact that, if this wasn't enough thirdly, and arguably most importantly, looking at my body it turns out, I am in fact, a toaster. Fantastic. Just... fantastic. Though I guess as a consolation prize, my theory turned out to be right. Toasters aren't tired. Not at all! What will I do with this information, is up to debate.

I mean, the world has to know, right? I can already see the headlines: „BREAKING: Use this one simple trick to never feel tired again!" I love it. Though I doubt a sane person would just up and believe whatever a stranger says. I know I would be suspicious, if any random stapler claimed they could cure cancer. Maybe, if I get home to my wife, she'll believe me. Then, I will become the world's first famous and not-tired toaster. Perhaps even the last one?

What would surely give me the edge in getting home, is figuring out how to move. Also, I wouldn't mind knowing where I am. If I figure these two out, I am golden. Sounds easy enough. I start to look around. I'm on top of a smaller hill. In the distance I can see a small town, that is surrounded by a river with a huge snowy mountain behind it. It almost looks like a giant hugging his loved one, not letting go, lest she goes away. The good news is, I'm pretty sure that's Jofire. The place where I live. Interestingly, not 4 days ago there was this huge snow storm. It has been below freezing temperature since then, and still it didn't stay? Global warming sure is a bitch.

I know precisely where I am now. When I was a kid, I used to come out here a ton with my friends to play. You know, back when things were simpler and I wasn't a kitchen appliance. Ah, those sure were the times. To be fair, I still do come here every so often. Mainly just to bask in the nostalgia. This is where Brian and I became best friends. We are always friends, but our relationship was confined to the halls of the school. It was a friendship we both knew would end as the last bells rang. Thankfully, we got really close to each other when we came out to this very spot after our horrid prom night.

Brian decided it would be a good idea to sneak in some Whiskey. He wasn't wrong, I have to admit, but poor guy's crush, Jessica, was a machine when it came to drinking. Brian, not one to be topped, just had to try and keep up the pace. It certainly didn't help that Jessica was flirting with Mark. I tried to get Brian to stop, but I was too late. The gorgeous decor of the ballroom and the sound of sublime music was soon replaced with the ostentatious seat of a toilet and the divine harmony of Brian's gagging reflex. I could hear the teachers coming to check-out the weird, but surely wonderful noises coming from our toilet. If they caught us like this? They'd go after our heads.

I had the brilliant idea we should try to climb out the window. As it turns out, a person, who is in no hurry to sober up, isn't really the best climber. I am proud to say I have video proof of that. After I was done laughing, I helped him out and then quickly followed. I did accidentally break the window, so I cannot say I'm any better. The teachers didn't find us, but Brian suggested we shouldn't lurk around the school anyway. That is why I proposed we come here.