Reverberating Lines

Better and Worse

Better and Worse.
Both similar but distant.

How can one become a better person?
When all that runs through their head,
Is evil they cannot shed.
Yet still to the lies and false fantasies they hang on.

Off to your friends so you could ignore these lies.
Away from your family so their suspicion won't rise.
"I'm ok okay" you say to yourself as you lay.
"I'll be fine" knowing things aren't alright.

Why do you drown yourself in doubt?
You need to breathe to sleep.
Is this the effect of isolation?
Is this the effect of exhaustion?
Is this the effect of misdirection?
Is this the effect of the lack of emotion?
Is this the effect of the misuse of distraction?

Laying on the bed, eyes wide open.
To the truth: blinded and shaken.
Why can't I sleep when I'm feeling tired?
To this world and these people I admire,
Am I reqired?

I ask the tears I refuse to shed,
I ask the soft blankets of my bed,
I ask  the fantasy I chose to hang on to,

"How can one become a better person?"

Would you choose not to judge me if I asked you?
Would you lie and try to hide the visible judgement in your eyes?
Would you shake it off and tell me it's nothing?
Everything but the first, its always been that way.

I'm sorry for being a nuisance
I'm sorry for being useless
I'm sorry for not feeling well
I'm sorry for not doing anything
I'm sorry for being here.

Here in this place and time I should be useful.
Its a choice to be useful, especially if you're able-bodied.
Yet still I chose otherwise.

Why am I like this?
I never chose to be this sensitive.
I never wanted to be this negative.
Yet here I am, a working body, a waste of good organs.

Am I becoming a bad person?
Am I... becoming worse?
Do I need help?
No, it's not that bad.
It's just a bad mood.

Now they're suspicious. Their stare is burning through my soul. Or whatever is left of it.
Crap, how do I get out of this conversation?
Just laugh it off, you'll be fine.

He told me to promise, to seek help if I get worse.
But the truth is, I don't know.
For some reason, I don't see the difference.
It's been happening for a long time now, and I always chose to ignore it.

Here I am, tired but not falling a sleep.
Wondering, overthinking.
Am I getting better or worse?