I'm not Gay, I'm Homosexual

Monogamy and Open relationship

One of the changes that the gay community brought to the accepted understanding of what a couple is was that of open relationships.

Many years ago, a friend of mine gave me a book on love among gay couples; one of the chapters was dedicated to open relationships. Of everything that the author said about the dynamics of it the only thing that I have not forgotten was his insistence (in order to have a healthy relationship) in establishing the framework within which both parties were able to act, negotiating it and sticking to it.

For some open relationships, this agreement implies that both parties are allowed to have sexual experiences with others but no at home, not more than once and not talking about it. For others the limits are wider up to the point of creating that has been defined as a polyamorous relationship where the concept of a couple does not exist anymore.

Where this come from? Not being a historian or a sociologist it is difficult for me to answer this question with any certainty but we can explore some ideas:

_The hippie movement of the sixties and their sex liberation call showed to society another way of creating relationships, of experiencing sex without guilt.

_Homosexuality was officially out in the '60s too and in England, it was decriminalized in 1967. With this newfound freedom, no many were keen to create monogamous relationships.

_For many gays, monogamy was just another imposition of the heterosexual model so they rebelled against it.

It is surprising to see that so many aspects of what defines the gay community were copied from the heterosexual model but when it comes to sex many rebelled against the concept of monogamy seeing sexual promiscuity as synonymous with freedom and hence as an accepted aspect of that gay identity. 

Would not have been more honest to say "we just want to have sex, fun, and sex"? the ironic part is that even the reluctancy to say this was somehow aligned with the heterosexual and social models of the time if you think about it. Saying it would have implied that we were lost souls, just given to lust and self-indulgence. The dilution of presenting it as a reaction to the heterosexual model was just a poor excuse to justify and endorse promiscuity as the way we were by default.

_We are creatures of habits and once we were trained in the habit of having superficial relationships where sex was the main area of exchange between 2 (or more people) considering going to a monogamous relationship was too complicated not just in terms of the boredom to have sex just with one person but to the demands of creating deeper, more meaningful relationships were sex was just part of it. This was too much hard work.

_The gay community, as happened with most of the minorities, never understood or considered to present and promote among his members the different valid choices we had: Monogamy, Open relationship, polyamorous ones or just singlehood. In doing that it would have taken the risk of division and when you are a minority this is something you cannot afford.

This fascist attitude caused many couples in open relationships to criticize or mock those in a monogamous one, the most common comment being "I give you few years, you will see you will be bored and tired of it. Monogamy does not exist for a long time".

And the premise was created and socially endorsed.

In regards to monogamy, it is still seen as the option for some; for me certainly the lucky ones.

Keeping this kind of love alive is hard work, there will be moments of sexual temptation, tiredness, personal challenges, external factors like family or work. Being able to say no to a proposition of sexual character implies not just will power but a great dose of respect and pure love for the other. It implies when things go wrong to be able to talk, discuss and reach mutual agreements; it implies taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally so as to keep the flame alive, to keep the enthusiasm and the joy of sharing moments together.

It is so extraordinary how old fashion this looks nowadays so much that nobody talks anymore about "making love" to their partners but about "having sex" with them.

The intensity of having sex with the person you love deeply and he loves you in return cannot be described using any word, what I'm sure about is that lust does not take part there. It is about communication and the sublime.

I have mentioned several times that we humans are complex living creatures. I do believe that homogeneity among us is not possible, it is even anti-nature. We are individuals and that is one of the biggest gifts of life, one that leads us to demand freedom as part of our rights.

This implies that every one of us should have the freedom to choose consciously and thoroughly how we want to live our emotional and sexual lives. This decision has to be an open and honest one so as not to harm others, we owe that to ourselves.

If you feel your internal fire would not be extinguished by just one person have as many encounters or couples as you want but be honest and don't get them lying; If you believe in the romantic love that brings monogamy be proud of it, you will find him. Both extremes situations and everything in between can be and should be accepted but none of us have the right to impose that our way is the right and only one.

We cannot carry on with this damaging attitude. Respect and tolerance must prevail in every case.