When I was 11 years old, I started to have these episodes. My heart would start to race and it would feel like I was drowning or that someone was sitting on my chest. I'd panic and start to cry, which in turn made it even harder to breathe. I would end up in a sobbing heep on the floor struggling to catch my breath. These episodes have landed me in the hospital a countless number of times.
Ever since then I've had anxiety. I never went to my doctor to be specifically diagnosed, I hated going to the doctor. You don't need a formal diagnosis to know you have anxiety.
I suffered everyday, until I met Harry. Almost everything was a trigger. Tests, doctors, crowds, dramatic situations. I met Harry and it was like I didn't have to be afraid of everything. I could breathe. I spent a total of 4 months with Harry. We fell in love, and that's it. We fell in love. I only needed a day to realize how in love I was. The rest is history. After those four months of having someone that took away your anxiety, I almost forgot what it was like to have a panic attack. I wasn't complaining, at all. That's when Harry had to leave for Where We Are. I remember the day he told me he was leaving. It was a month before he actually left. That was the first time he saw me have a full blown episode. That was the first time I saw him cry, but he didn't let that come between us. He knew what to do and how to help and I couldn't be more grateful.
The next episode he was there for was when I saw him take his suitcase out. That's when I knew I had a new trigger. Harry leaving. I thought I'd be able to deal with Harry going on tour since I'd be able to see him eventually, but I couldn't. I can't. I never will be able to. This episode wasn't as big as the first. He knew exactly how to help before it got out of control.
The day he left is the image I see when I have nightmares. That was the worse day of my life. I ended up in the hospital an hour after Harry left. I was stuck in the hospital for a week. I hate thinking about that day.
Harry came home many, many times over the course of the tour. We made it work, but everyday would end with me crying on my bathroom floor on the phone with Harry. I'd imagine Harry being annoyed with me, and hating me having to call him crying so I could remember how to breathe but he never once got angry. He never once even let one of my nightly calls go to voice mail. He loves me just like I love him.
Harry couldn't manage to come home for the last 3 months of the tour, plus another month after. Those 4 months consisted of me figuring out ways to keep my job while being forced to the hospital every other week because my friends would constantly find me hyperventilating on the floor. When Harry came home for the first time after those few months, that was probably the happiest moment of my life. That was the longest I had gone without him, and to be honest I don't know how I survived. Since then, I haven't been able to go much longer without him.
Separation anxiety is the worst. You miss a person so much that you believe you will legitimately die if they don't come to you right then and there.
It can kill you, and I'm surprised it hasn't killed me yet.
~
He left.
I had to say goodbye again. I walked out of the airport and got a cab back to the hotel.
"Hi, could you connect me to Danny Amendola please?" I asked the receptionist.
"Name please?"
"Julia Connors"
"He's extension 3965"
"Thank you" I sniffed.
I dialed Dan's extension and waited for him to pick up. Danny and I never talked about my anxiety, but he knew. He knew Harry leaving killed me, but he was about to find out how bad.
"Hello?" I heard him ask.
"Danny." What was supposed to sound normal ended up coming out as a whimper.
"I'm coming." He hung up and I sunk to the floor and just cried. I put my head into my knees and gave myself a headache trying to focus on breathing.
Two giant hands came down on my shoulders and ran down my arms.
"Jules?" Danny whispered. I let out a pained sob and pulled my self into his chest and weeped harder than I remember ever weeping before.
"Babe, wait right here." He looked me in the eyes and stood up from the floor. He walked outside and pulled out his phone, I could see him with the door open.
"Harry? It's Danny." I heard him say coldly. "Mate, calm down. Have you taken off yet? Dude, she's fallen off the deep end. I'd really rather not have to take her to the Emergency Room tonight. You think you could come back?" Danny paused and then continued speaking, "Alright, I don't know shit about the hospitals around here. I'll face-time you or some bullshit when she's settled." Danny ran back into my room and picked me up from the floor.
"It'll all be okay." He ran with me all the way to the car Bill rented and he set me in the passenger seat. I couldn't move. I managed to say Harry's name and Danny dialed his number for me.
"Julia. Julia, I love you so much baby girl."
"H-harry." I cried.
"Breathe with me. Ready?" Harry and I breathed together and it helped.. a little.
"I love you more than life it's self. I'm boarding now, but Danny's going to take care of you. I promise. I'll call you when I land." Harry's voice started to get shaky.
We pulled up to the entrance of the Emergency Room and I cried even harder as Danny ran to my side of the car and carried me inside.
