the art of expressing opinions

rainy nights & insomnia

i really felt like i needed to sit and listen to the rain. its chilly, and my head still kinda hurts and i definitely should be asleep but for some reason, i felt oddly compelled to sit outside on the porch and listen to the rain and thunder.

i long to go out and stand in it, until it soaks me to the bone, but i know thats unreasonable, so i dont.

its soothing, the sound. the pouring, pounding rain on the pavement making me feel at ease in a world full of chaos. i want to feel the water on my toes and splash and walk through the puddles, but i dont.

why dont i?

probably because its inconvenient and my brain is telling me that ill probably get sick if i do. i feel calm yet also confused. calm because the sound, sight and smell of the rain. but confused about everything else in life. im living with my parents, im not in school, i work a minimum wage job and i have no idea what im doing in life.

and i really need a hug.

its been raining, no, storming off and on for a few days now. it seems like the weather knows exactly how i feel, and is portraying that. i miss my friends. and i constantly feel like a horrible person, a fraud, a fake. im definitely living two different lives right now. i feel everything, yet nothing. and my head still hurts. something is definitely wrong with me.

the rain is coming down harder now, and i am cold. its impossibly dark outside, except for the dim porch lights and the occasional flicker of lightening that i always seem to miss. my foot is going numb. im playing my “rainy days and insomnia” playlist right now because it seems appropriate. its been about fifteen minutes but it feels like no time has passed. i keep feeling like someone is watching me from the house, even though i know everyone is asleep.

the rain has let up a bit. this night reminds me of the night i wrote emotion. two in the morning, pouring rain, the longing to let the rain seep into my clothes and soak me to my core, thoughts threatening to overflow, sleepless nights. its all too familiar, a perfect case of deja vu.

i got that feeling again, like someone was watching me. nobody was there.

im on edge.

im nearly twenty-three and i feel like my life is going nowhere. i feel like a child. like i dont know how to do anything. i feel helpless. hopeless.

i really need a hug.

bandito is playing and it feels like the perfectly appropriate song to how i feel right now. ive bitten off almost all the nails on my right hand. i was doing so well too. why do i keep looking behind me, as if someone is there?

stop.

stop.

nobody is there.

nobody is there.

i cant quiet my mind. and i dont know if im crazy or if the sky is getting lighter already. why is life so hard? it seems as if everyone else has it so easy. most of my friends know exactly what they want to do in life. im clueless. i feel like a failure. am i paranoid? i keep feeling like im seeing things.

i love the rain. the droplets like tiny tears pooling on the concrete. soaking the ground, watering the earth. the smell is my favorite though, i think. the fresh, earthy scent that signals that there is life in this dead world and it is thriving. i want to thrive. but im barely surviving right now. im cold but i dont want to go inside just yet. i should be in bed. but here i am, sitting on my porch watching the rain and word vomiting my thoughts out here for the world to see.

okay, deep breath.

in.

out.

okay.

let's go.

- e