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The Delusion

Being in the bus was just so scary... Because right now, I have no fucking idea what can happen. And those guys who are waiting for me... Where are they waiting for me? And who are they? The bus was totally empty which is even creepier. And what if my mom leaves our home to go try to find me and then something bad happens to her? Oh shit, after thinking about all of this shit, it might be 50/50 chance that my plan maybe not work. Now after thinking about my mother, the bus driver plays music on radio. They never do that, so maybe he thought this young guy is sitting here, and he's bored, and the bus is empty so... I don't know, but the music that was playing was sarcastic. You know when I told you that I Knew You Were Trouble is weird song to listen to while being in a great relationship? Well yeah, that didn't age well. That fucking song was on radio. The world was really trying to fuck me over. It was so uncomfortable to watch throughout the window. Looking how we're entering the Town. Looking the first buildings, the first people, the first cars, streets, trash cans... It looked kinda beautiful... But, as we were entering the town, the deeper we went, the town looked darker, poorer, sadder, rougher, rustier, raw... I was getting so uncomfortable, that at the moment, it got so bad, I couldn't see anything and I just puked. I puked on the floor, and I felt to the side. I though the driver would kill me, but he stopped the bus, he came to me and asked me if I was alright. I was thinking that he thinks that I'm drunk, but no, something told me that he knew that I wasn't drunk. "Everything is ok Sir". I left the bus, it was one station away from my station. I didn't puke on the clothes and, if I did, I wouldn't care, I would've burned them anyway. Looking at everything, knowing that I'm not safe, but somehow, I felt really safe, I don't know why, is it because I grew up here? Because this is my home? Or just because the fact that I'm not in the house where all the monsters are... Nobody was in the streets, which is kinda weird... You can always see someone, like laying drunk on street or something like that, but believe me, no-one was there. I remembered that I bought cigarettes, so I smoked one. I haven't smoked for a whole day, after spending all the time with Josh, I didn't have the need for smoking. But honey, while smoking this cigarette, I felt so great, so relaxed, I felt like, everything is back at the normal again, except, it's actually not. I was always happy for a day to come, the day, where I move to the City, but I never imagined it this way, where I have to run for my life. And if I have told everyone here that I'm moving out of the town, they would still try to kill me, just so for fun. I seaw my building, and I was still smoking my cigarette. I got really concerned now, my heart started beating faster. What if I enter my apartment and find out that my mom is not in there? Or even worse, dead? I finally smoked my cigarette, so I had to enter my building. I was scared af, but, what could I do at this point? If she's dead, I would find it out soon or later, and, I at this moment... I have nowhere to go. I was opening the main door. The first thing I saw was that there is no sign on the elevator, so I thought they maybe repaired it, but no. Maybe just some asshole kid torn the paper and put it in the trash can or something like that. Well fuck, walking the stairs it is. Every step was just getting harder for me. My heart beat wasn't at this point normal. What if I see my door open, vandalized, or blood on it. At this point, it could be anything. I was about to cry, but I couldn't. I was so much in my head, that I didn't even realize that there was a black little kitten laying dead on the floor. Poor kitten, how could you be such a monster to kill little helpless animal? But there it is, there is my apartment door. It looked all normal, but I still didn't know what to expect inside. I was staying in front of the door and was scared to open them. Do you know the feeling, when you want to sneak out from your home, so you could party all night long... And your parents are half asleep, so you are totally scared to open the doors? Same felling, but now, I didn't have to sneak out, I had to come inside, to see my mom, not to leave her. "1, 2, 3, 4..." I was counting to 10, and then opened the door. I saw my dark hallway, no life in there. I was so concerned, is this apartment empty? Did she even came? Is she kidnapped? Maybe dead in the living room? I took a deep breath, and went to living room. What I saw, shocked my totally. I froze right away. My mom was sitting in the room, watching TV and drinking coffee. I wasn't even happy or feeling relieved, because I didn't believe what I was seeing. "Oh, hi darling, where were you, how are you?" She asked me like nothing was happening. I ran to her, hugged her and started sobbing. I felt so safe and protected at that moment. I forgot about everything. I was just thinking about my mom, that she is safe and alive. I think she couldn't even breathe because I gave her he the strongest hug ever. I was thinking, how could I tell her right now that this whole thing is happening. She looked so happy, and I would literally destroy her whole life by telling her the whole story. Will she be angry with me? Would she disown me? I had no idea, I just wanted to hug her the whole time. "What is happening, why are you crying?" She asked my while looking so confused. I was just standing there, crying and just didn't know how to tell her all of that. "Come on, tell my baby, I'm here for you..." I was still afraid and... Just sat there and cried. How the fuck should I tell her that? At that point, I didn't gave a single fuck about my life, I just didn't want to destroy hers too. "Are you doing drugs? Did you get expelled from the school? Did you get robbed? Or have you maybe killed someone? Please, tell me, I need to know what is happening, I'm your mom for fuck sake." Said my mom, while her eyes started to water a little. You could see in her eyes, that she has fear, that she is concerned, that she wants to fix anything she can... "Mom... We... Have to move out of the Town..." I said and thinking I would puke again. "We have to WHAT?" She said that with tears and a bit of anger. At that point I just wanted to run away and go to kill myself. I thought that she would kill me if I tell the whole story. But, I needed to, at this point, the only thing I could do is tell her the truth. "They... Want to kill me..." My mom gasped at that point. I think she was expecting everything but not to hear that. I mean, I was always a normal behaving person, why the fuck would anyone kill me? There was literally "No reason", but I think that my mom forgot about my little secret, I mean, she knew wonderfully that I would never come out here, it this shit hole. "Why would they kill you James? What could you possibly do? I know you your whole life, what in the hell could you do?" She was so confused, but at one point, it clicked in her mind. She knew... "No way... please don't tell me it happened what I think it did..." She said while looking like dead person. "Did someone find out about your secret?" I just closed my eyes and nodded. "Why did you told that to someone? You know how dangerous here is? What was going through your head???" I couldn't tell anything, because I understood why she was angry, so I waited for silence, so I could tell her the whole story. The silence came, and the tension was there. I wanted to say something, but I was scared that she would scream at me, but I've been through this whole shit, so I didn't even care anymore if she would scream or not... "Mom, let me tell you what and how it happened, then we can deliberate about everything." she just looked at me, and I saw in her eyes that she gave me permission to talk. "It started all in the school..." As I was telling her the whole story, my emotions changed every minute, remembering that whole thing and telling about it was just killing me, but I also felt kinda free, that I told it someone. I think I needed it. I thought she would look me with poker face the whole time, but she shared the emotions with me, which made me feel really supported, I was thinking that by my story and her emotions that she also experienced those stuff with me. Like, if she was the whole time with me. I realized, that I didn't even talk too much about Josh, but more about my feelings, my butterflies, my happiness, my guiltiness, my sadness, the whole betrayal, that I was telling more about my feelings, but not the whole situation and what happened. But I don't even think that it was even important. She stopped me, she said that I don't need to talk anymore. And... She hugged me. We were hugging and both crying at the same time. She possibly went through the same or similar story, because I felt she knew totally what I was going through. I don't know really how my mom and dad met, but as my father started to deal drugs and died, it maybe left her the same effect that I got. Hugging with her lasted 1 or 2 minutes, but it felt like eternity. I realized At that moment that love between my mom and me is totally stronger than my love with Josh. I mean, of course, but no-one can love and care about you like the person that carried you for 9 months and gave you a life. Your mom. I know, and she knows that my life isn't the best, but she was always there for me, every moment, every second. She was the only person that supported me when I came out to her. She didn't disown me, nor let me live on the streets. Her long red hair was in my face. It had the best fragrance ever. I could always recognize my mother because of the smell. I don't know if that's because of the shampoo or her natural smell, but I didn't care. I know the only person with that fragrance is my mother. But we cannot just sit here and hug, we have to do something, or else someone could come and kill us immediately. "Where can we go mom?" She looked me, knowing that she has no idea where too. "Let's go somewhere to the City, that is the only place where we could be safe." I said, but at the same time I didn't know where. "We could spend some time in a hotel until I get some money to buy an apartment for us both" I felt really happy, but kinda not. I didn't give rat's ass about this place, but my mom did. Growing up here, having me, her father and her husband, it was definitely really hard for her, but I knew it would be better for her to live in the City, not only for her, but also for us both. We have to leave this place, but no-one should see us. We have to disappear, like if we were never here. And that's actually what we did. We packed all of our stuff, even my telescope, and left. What about secret room? And about all the stuff inside? I left it all in there, where it belongs. I learned a lot from it, and if ever someone finds that room, they can be new owners, they can also learn new stuff. I felt really sad leaving this apartment, because it was the only thing I loved in this whole town. I will miss every morning waking up and watching throughout my telescope. Then... I remembered that I was in my bed with Josh... I wanted to burn that bed...