Book of Random Stuff

Funny Quotes

After Tuesday even the calendar goes W T F

Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like.

Never get jealous when you see you ex with someone else because our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.

I hate it when people see me in the supermarket and are like "Hi, what are you doing here?" I'm just like, "Oh, you know, Hunting elephants."

I'm being mean? Oh, Im sorry. I forgot to take my I give a shit pills today.

Yes, officer. I did see the speed limit sign. I just didn't see you.

All my life I thought air was free... until I bought a bag of chips.

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

When a woman says "What?" It's not because she didnt hear you. She's just giving you a chance to rethink and change the shit you just said.