PILLOW

Letter for A

i tried to chase you before you left but the door had already closed, and it vanished like you but you could never be just a memory.

i packed myself up, made it up in my heart, that i would never be lonely.

i was going to find you even if it was my life because you were my life and i had never realized until you said goodbye without saying goodbye- i cried and cried and cried and cried.
(the absence of you was my demise.)

i'd said a million times
i would go back
if i could.
i thought about scenarios of my life, thinking of the chance to  recreate the created,
i hated the finality of reality.
how badly i wanted to go back and be
that little girl.

to sit beneath you as you did my hair,
rubber bands in hand and a wrist full of ribbons
loose teeth and ashy knees
glasses and hall passes,
riding that rickety ass bus
if it meant i could return to us-
i thought i would give anything, give everything up.

nothing prepared me for a loss like that
so i built myself back
from my ashes
and rose.

i watered myself and grew
saw the magic in me
that you always knew
was there, untapped and waiting for me to wake up.

i used to think i'd had enough
and would leave with you
that's exactly what i thought i'd do.

until i started to reach
to breathe
to be
and believe that it's
okay for me to be happy
the strength i built on a foundation so shaky,
never in my life have i been so proud of me.

i miss you, but i choose nobody else
everything i've been through makes me
myCELF.