What Deceit Looks Like | ✓

04: maddox

 My lungs are gasping for air but I'm refusing to give it to them. I'm fine. Perfectly fine. Maybe that's the problem? I'm perfectly fine and she's not. She can't be because she isn't anything anymore.

I push my feet forward, the music resounds through my head thanks to the pulsing of the music perfectly in beat with my feet hitting the path.

Breathe in through your nose.

Breathe out through your mouth.

Breathe in through your nose.

Watch out for the stray rock in the middle of the path.

Breathe out through your mouth.

Why now? Why is she coming back now?

My pace picks up along with the rate of my breathing as I push my body to move faster as I think of her.

Breathe in through your nose.

Breathe out through your mouth.

It's been three years and eleven days since she went missing. Five months and eighteen days since they identified her remains.

My lungs throb within my chest almost begging me for a break because I don't know how long I've been running. I don't know how much longer I plan on running but I just need to stop thinking so much.

Breathe in through your nose.

Breathe out through your mouth.

I feel like I'm going to be sick every time I wake up drenched in a cold sweat because she spoke to me in a dream that turned into a nightmare once I realize that she's still out of reach from me.

And most of all, I feel guilty because I forget her when I see Cassidy and maybe that's why I feel drawn to her. She makes me want to be a better person and to let go of the past. Except I haven't seen Cassidy since she ran from me and maybe it's for the best that she did. But it certainly doesn't feel like it's for the best.

Breathe in through your nose.

Breathe out through your mouth.

My lungs pull and I stop quickly feeling the ache in my knees as I do but I feel it only for a moment before I drop to my knees to dry heave, yanking about my headphones in the process as tears prick my eyes like needles.

I cough violently unable to catch my breath as nothing comes up from my stomach and my fist weakly hits the ground.

"Maddox come on, it's not too much further," Paige beckons trying to get me to keep up with her.

I was fine, the only part of me that wasn't fine was my stomach because of the swarm of nervous butterflies taking hold over me. The ring in my pocket felt heavy when in reality this was one of the easiest decisions I've ever had to make. But then I decide I can't wait any longer.

"Paige," I start to say lowering myself to a knee as she continues walking not realizing what's happening.

"I know, I told you it was around that last curve we took and then it wasn't. I swear it's just past this one." She rambles stopping to take a swig of water.

I chuckle slightly feeling my hands start to tremble, "Love, look at me."

She turns around and the first thing she notices is the ring and she lets go of the tin water bottle in her hand to cover her mouth as it crashes to the ground. "Oh my god," She says dropping to the ground to pick it up at the same time I move for it to help her.