Time : 5:03 pm
Date : 17th April 2020
Hey loves,
School is finally over and I can finally give more attention to this. I've been slacking a lot recently and I don't know if its because of this whole co-vid 19 situation. Things have been intense for me. One day I find myself doing something productive and the next day I'm just back to 0.
Do you ever just get tired of your own bullshit? Like ," (insert name) , get your life together . Aren't you tired of doing something and quitting so easily ". I'm super tired of it to be honest. And I guess, I'll always be this way. It's like I know what I'm supposed to do but somehow I always succumb to my laziness. Maybe it's because its easier to and I'm used to this cycle.
Breaking out of a bad habit is extremely difficult. I've tried breaking out of this for years now and the only time I've seen an improvement is this year. Maybe it's because I'm on my own now and I have to hold myself accountable for everything. Living on your own is a nightmare and a blessing. Being where I am now gave me a sense of responsibility , I am now aware of some things I didn't pay mind to.
I wouldn't say I'm mature because I'm nowhere near that. I'm as childish as they come. But there are some days I think like an adult, I guess I just have my moments. Today, I didn't do much, as usual.
During this, I feel you'd either come out with your best version or you'll come out of this with a whole new perspective on life. For the first time in this journal, I've got nothing sad to write and I'm happy. Of course I struggle with a lot but I'm not going to be the person that motivates someone to sink into their lowest forms. Yes, there are those days you just want to sit in the sadness. If you haven't noticed, I repeat this statement a lot in all my chapters, that's just because it's the truth. You can't be happy all the time, you will go through some hard times, but how you let this affect you its up to you.
So I was doing a weight gain challenge since I don't have the body I want and I don't plan on doing any surgeries but it's harder to do. It's like a constant battle with your body and mind. It's all about discipline and a schedule. I am not the type of person who follows a routine, I never had to.
I think that is why I struggle with this challenge. I started off well but ,its been five days now and I haven't worked out. I am really disappointed with myself because I had so much hope for this challenge. I may not win it, but I will continue with it. The best thing you can do for yourself is not to quit, you can fall several times but just get right back up, don't just give in to the laziness because trust me, it is super easy to do.
I thought writing my thoughts wouldn't be so difficult but it actually is. I have to filter out some things because in all honesty, I can't pour down everything about me here. I don't want to be an open book like that, even though I'm not writing down everything, you are still getting a glimpse of who I am. Yes I still haven't found out who I am or my self worth.
That brings me to this. What is your worth? Do you even know what worth means to you or is it irrelevant to you? There's a quote that goes like when you finally know your worth, everything will fall in place, I agree. I believe we go through a lot of reckless and painful things because we don't know our worth. We just don't know our value.
If I was asked what my worth is , I wouldn't know. Because I don't know my priorities , I don't know my value. This all came about when I tried ACX. It is a place where people can audition to read an audio book and get paid. I haven't really explained it well but you can definitely try it out. So as I was getting registered, there was this section where you had to fill out what your desired rate will be, and i had no idea. I didn't know if I was good enough to go higher or lower so I left it as unspecified.
That is why you have to get to know yourself. You have to know yourself enough to prevent yourself from spiraling into disaster. The most successful people know themselves and their worth , which is why they keep on being successful. But me? I'm not there yet and I know a lot of people can relate to this.
I believe this is why some people let themselves be taken advantage of because they don't even know they deserve more than they are getting . They feel the person is more than them. Sad to say, I've experienced this. I looked at the person as higher than me and I let myself be taken advantage of. sometime we don't even realise it's happening to us. I'm here to tell you , it's okay. Yes, it happened or it's happening. Yes it is extremely hard to get out of. But the best thing we can do for ourselves is to know ourselves cause once we do, nothing can phase us.
Obviously it won't be easy, but taking the first step is the best thing you can do for yourself. So yes, people like us who have been bruised through all this, this is our time. It's time to know ourselves, its time to know our value. We are worth more than we think. Don't let someone define you.
Easier said than done I know, But stop complaining and actually try, if you fall, I will be here cause trust me, I've fallen down so many times, but I'm here typing out all my failures for you to have comfort in and I know that is pretty normal. Not all of us had it easy and that's fine. We will pave our own ways and we will come out of this loving and knowing ourselves. So my loves, for once, I wrote something motivational. Will it continue?, Probably not. Today is just one of those days I feel calm.
It's just one of those days where my mature side comes out. So yeah, I am childish and I am mature too.. hardly but yeah . So the question I'm gonna leave for you to ponder on is.... Do you know your worth? Let me know in the comments or you can always send me a message. Stay safe out there my loves. Hopefully, I become consistent with my writing.
