Time : 4:49 am
Date : 30th March 2020
Hey there love,
It's been a while since I actually wrote a journal /diary. It's been a while since I wrote anything actually. Writing has always been my greatest escape. It's wonderful how the mind creates things, the mind in itself is a beautiful and chaotic place.
Since forever, I've always battled with my thoughts and they mostly win. It's really hard to control them, cause one day you're okay and the next you're not. I'm not okay but I am okay. This mind thing? Well I'm tired of it but atlas, I don't know what else to do but to write.
So the idea was to write out everything that came in mind . So what happened today?
Today I haven't slept. I have been up since forever lol. My eyes hurt as I write this but weirdly enough i don't want to sleep. I want to experience this peace, this quiet, I want to have this moment with my music and myself. Although, I love to sleep because they stop my thoughts from drowning me in sorrow, I still like to stay up and think . I guess I've gotten so used to this that it has become normal for me. I might as well be crowned the queen of overthinking.
So once again, what happened today? Nothing yet. It's still too early to tell but one thing I'm sure of is that nothing eventful will happen cause your girl here loves to sleep. The Corona virus worsened my case. I am a homebody, all I do is eat, sleep, do assignments, all that boring stuff. So yeah with this whole staying at home thing, my my, I should be getting paid for how I sleep. I can sleep for the whole world lol.
Do you ever sit down and think why you had to be different? You look at others and just think, "Why can't I just be like everyone else?" You ever wonder how some people are just so blessed? This is where most people say something motivating. Well, if you think I'm gonna say something wise here, I'm sorry sis this ain't the book. I'm trying to figure it out too. Got you confused? Welp, as I said, this is just me writing out whatever happens and while I might be motivating sometimes, today is not the day ,sis.
I want to drown in my thoughts , I want to overthink, I want to feel, I just want to be sad for a while.Is this just me or? Cause I remember telling someone this and he asked why I would want to do that to myself. But how can I explain myself when it's indescribable. He wouldn't have gotten it anyways. I am a complicated person with a messed up mind that forever stays jumbled.
Anyways, back to what I was saying earlier. Some people have it so easy, at least that's what I think. You just look at some people and they have everything you've ever wanted, I used to look at them and be like, Gosh," How does she have this body? " "How does she stay so motivated?". "Damn, she's gotten some good genes". While I did get my answers, I still can't help but be insecure. One answer to the body thing was working out. Come on now sis, I ain't got the patience nor strength for that. So you're telling me that, to get that body I want, I'd have to work out for 5 years?... and that's if I stay consistent,?
First of all, I do not even eat like that for me to gain weight, nor can I stay consistent. Will I still complain? Hell yes. Someday I might work out . I mean I do work out , I'm just not patient enough so if I don't see any improvement I'm not continuing. I know someone is gong like, "But it takes time, it doesn't happen overnight". Honneyyyy, I do not care , as long as I got my damn ass from the bed, I want my result now... Yeah, I still have insecurities and I'm too lazy and I do not have the patience for progress so the best thing is to complain and sit on my bed. So yeah until I figure out how to organize all these thoughts, I am just going to ramble about it. On a serious note though, do any of you have these thoughts and you just find it hard to shut them down?
Someone else asked me who I am and I honestly couldn't answer that. I tried finding myself and that has backfired so hard. Have you ever been asked that question? What did you do? What was your reaction to that. Recount everything, i want to know.Heck, I tried to start a YouTube channel, and you know, the first thing is to find what you're good at. Well a girl like me, who is totally confused about who she is, definitely can't do YouTube.
What the hell would I do? Look at the camera and freak out? Well, I closed the chapter on that one. The next best thing was to write and here I am. After years of belittling myself, I said fuck it, let me just write down my thoughts. I don't know if anyone will read this but if someone out there is reading this, come say hello. I might be a bit messed up but I like to think I'm interesting lol. Well I'm going to end this whatever it is here, Stay tuned for chapter two. Assuming I have something to write. Stay safe my loves. Oh , also, if you liked this and want more, like, follow me, talk to me, all that yada yada. Until then.,.
Ps: Music and quote might not match what I type but eh, I didn't want to type without something there.
