Bayou

Chapter 19 ~ Show Me

Chapter 19

Croc led me around back and to the water's edge.

"Where are we going?" My voice sounded foreign to my own ears. I was hollow, empty, unable to make even the simplest decisions. My legs moved where he prompted. My mind followed his direction. The breakthrough he'd forced me to have had overloaded my brain, exhausting my mental abilities. I'd shut down, gone to sleep even while I was wide awake.

Croc released his grip on my shoulders and gently took my fingers in his. "Come with me, into the water."

I stared at him, knowing it was nighttime but not having the presence of mind to be concerned. I nodded, allowing him to pull me down the bank. It was another world, and unlike during the day, each wave our bodies made lit up the depths with glittering green. Croc watched me closely as we waded together toward the center.

"Swim with me," he said, tone the same low, soothing sound he'd used before. "Swim hard and keep up. Don't get left behind." He let go of my hand and dunked down, taking off without giving me a chance to process what he'd asked of me.

I panicked and sunk beneath the surface to follow. The glowing green framed his physique, leaving a trail to guide me. I pushed my body hard, limbs working on memory until I caught up to his side, and we swam. We swam with an intensity we'd never done before. We were one with water, fluid and graceful, dodging rocks and limbs, winding with each curve and bend in the canal.

My mind returned to the present in pieces, relishing the way my body moved, the glittering green, the cool water as it rushed over my skin. I was part of it, the environment, a product of nature, a living being sprung from the breast of a dying mother, and she held me close and whispered encouragement in the form of all the beautiful things she'd birthed. Fish swam alongside of us, glowing just as bright as the swamp itself, before they'd break away to allow new ones to take their place, for once, unafraid of the hunter. Glowing green eyes lit the path, blinking in and out of focus as the gators watched us pass them by like neighbors taking a midnight walk.

I didn't tire. I didn't slow. I expelled no effort and remembered nothing. Danny didn't exist. The world outside didn't exist. The past couldn't follow me, not there, not then. I was safe, washed clean of the shame, submerged in a world that didn't allow room for judgment, not even my own.

We kept going until we reached the place where the water opened into a vast river.

Croc floated to the surface and stared into the horizon. The green faded outwards, diluting into the black water, disappearing like dying stars in an infinite galaxy. "This is the end," he said, tone low. "This is where our world ends, and another begins."

I studied his profile, letting his words wash over me.

He turned to face me. "Who brought you here?"

For a moment, I couldn't answer. I wasn't sure how to. The question was as odd as its answer was obvious. My brow furrowed. "You did..."

"No." He shook his head and swam forward to wade just in front of me. "You did, Willow. You brought yourself here." He took both my hands in his and lifted my arms above the surface. "Your arms." He lowered them back down and let go. "Your legs, your mind, your heart, your body. Yours." He cupped my face, staring into my eyes, drilling the words as deep as they'd go. "No person owns any part of it. Nobody has the power to take it from you. It doesn't matter what happens. It is only yours."

My eyes stung; chest tightened. My throat burned and breaths shuddered. What he'd said went against everything I'd grown to believe. I was defined by simplicities. Get up, eat, stay clean, stay alive. That was it. That was all. My body was just a shell, something I hated but had to have. It wasn't the good part of me. It was tainted and scarred, and I'd hated it for years. I ignored it, keeping it and everything else locked away where I could pretend it didn't affect me. But Croc's light shone too bright, and now that I'd allowed him to see, he wouldn't stop. He highlighted each blemish, demanding it be brought to attention.

I wanted to disappear and pretend the night had never happened. Why couldn't he understand that? "I get it, Croc. I'm a survivor. It wasn't my fault. You made your point." It didn't change anything. I couldn't be fixed. He could show me whatever he wanted. He could prove that I'd been coerced, that I was a victim, and it wouldn't change the way I felt. It wouldn't fix it. "Stop trying to fix me. You can't fix people. That's not how it works."

"You don't need to be fixed," he said, gaze intensifying. "This wasn't about fixing you. This was about showing you what I see when I look at you." He spoke with passion, demanding I understand. "In the tree, you called yourself tainted. You said you'd given yourself away. That's not true. You're right here. You've been here since the day you arrived, and I've been tearing myself apart ever since, fighting to do whatever necessary to be close to you, if only for a moment."

I looked down, fixing my eyes on the water, rejecting his words the moment they left his mouth. "It doesn't feel like it," I said. "It feels like I've been replaced with something else. I feel like I'm a different person, every time it happens. Like I'm less than I was..." I broke apart, lost control, and a traitorous tear broke free to roll down my cheek. I rubbed it away and clenched my jaw. "I can't get better. I can't heal. There is no medicine, or cure, or way to turn back the clock and make it different. I'm painted in this...this...filth! It doesn't matter what you see, or even if I believe you. Nothing you say or explain or show me will change it. That's not how it works."

He fell silent a long moment, contemplating my words, before he whispered, "That's very sad." He turned away, back to the endless view, and continued in a far off voice. "If you could have seen yourself, just now, moving through the water like a...like a..." He clenched his jaw and shook his head. "I can't even describe you. If you could see that, see what I see, you would never question your worth." He took a deep inhale, breathing in the night air.

"Croc...I..."

"It's okay." He turned to offer me a soft smile. "I realize now that this is different. This isn't as simple an answer as I thought it was." He tucked my hair behind my ear. "I'm sorry if I pushed too hard. If I'd known what I do now, I would have gone about this differently." He kept a gap between us, allowing me my distance without even the slightest sign that he intended to attempt anything else. "But," he started, tone more serious, "you don't get to tell me what I want, Willow. You don't get to say how I should feel. I won't view you as less just because you say I should." He tilted his head, forcing my eyes to his. "That's a rule."

I grinned despite myself. "Is it? Did you make that rule?"

"I did." He grinned back.

Even knowing all my secrets, he still wanted me. He meant what he said, in the same way he meant everything when he spoke. Something shifted inside me. Some part of myself acknowledged his view, and for a brief moment, between the situation with Danny and Croc's words, I could almost believe that, maybe, eventually, I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe, someday, I'd be able to love myself again.

I collapsed into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head against his chest. Safe, secure, and beyond a doubt that he wouldn't expect more. Not Croc. He was different.

He folded his arms around me and leaned back, not expecting anything or demanding a price. He supported me, not just my weight but all the burden that came with it, and we stayed like that as the current slowly carried us back home.