Beyond Appearances

To Go or Not To Go

Veronica's POV

I wake up and stretch as the sun trails through my window. My head still reeling from the bombshell of the past two days. Two days that I can't stop thinking about constantly, even dreaming about them. From the kiss, to the sex, to my talk with Mariana.

I've been living with my sister for a short time, and I feel like my life with my parents and Marv's is ages ago. I can feel myself smile and be giddy like when I was a kid. Something I didn't think I'd ever do again.

That's enough reminiscing. I push the paisley covers back and hit the wood floors. The Louisiana heat already rising. For once I'm not woken up by the kids running around giggling, Sarah's nosey ass, and Johnny being well... Johnny. There isn't even a smell of breakfast wafting through the air. Something's wrong.

I can feel my anxiety creeping into my gut. Enough drama has happened in the last week, yet I remain happy. What more could life throw at me? I perform my daily hygiene and reluctantly go to face the unknown problem.

As I come down the stairs I hear Sarah muttering from the dining room. "Fucking A! They couldn't even manage to die correctly." To hear Sarah curse like that, when the kids could hear is more concerning than hearing the sentence that just came out of her mouth. I know she's talking about our parents, if you could even call them that.

I walk slowly to the dining room to kind of map out just how bad the situation is. Her usually well kept hair, and makeup done beautifully is now is complete disarray. It's bad.

"Um... Sare. Is everything okay?" I get a look of anger yet sadness. But then her face turns cold. "Well you see, our parents who have now become heroine junkies both overdosed on laced drugs, and are in bad condition. I got the call at 3:00 this morning." I can only stare at her, I don't even know what to say. I knew it would happen eventually.

She continues, "Not only that, but the cops are barking up their tree for selling the drugs now, and they are in severe debt." I can't help but to feel like this is my fault. I let them get this bad, and didn't look out for them properly.

"Don't even RJ!" I look up at her. "What?"

"I've seen that face before. You're blaming yourself,  and you can't. This isn't your fault." How can she say it's not my fault when I was taking care of them and I just left. Sure I got kicked out and slapped, but I should've tried harder.

"So what if I am? I shouldn't have left them." I start to tear up, and soon I can't stop them. "RJ, they are the parents, not you. You shouldn't of had to take care of them like you did." I know deep down she's right, but mentally they aren't there to comprehend their state. The drugs took that away from them.

"Sare I have to go back and make this right." I get quiet as I say this knowing she's going to disagree.

"Absolutely not! They abused you. They don't deserve the help. They deserve what's coming to them." I know she's right, but I can't not help them. On the other hand, maybe this will get them back to normal, back to being clean and actual functioning adults. Give myself time to think. I haven't opened up to anyone, but my anxiety has gotten worse and I feel like a burden.

"Can I think about it?" She gives me a death glare, but softens up. "Of course, but Veronica this isn't on you." I nod before I walk to the front door. I slide on my boots and head for the ranch without breakfast. I just need to see Johnny. He just is a safe place.

I practicially run to the ranch. Tears threatening to spill over the brim. I'm fighting my conscience. There's a part of me that is angry at them, yet another part that is angry with myself. The devil on my shoulder says, "Let them die, what did they do for you?" The angel on the other side says, "they birthed you. You owe them."

I near the stables. My ears are met with country music bumping from the stereo. As soon as I see Johnny spinning Valentina with one hand and a pitchfork in the other using it as a microphone singing. My worries start to fade. Lovely Lady May..." His voice not nearly as good as the bands rendition. Never would have took him for a Tyler Childers fan.

The song finishes and Valentina spies me first. I immediately stop leaning against the barn and bend down to give the sweet little girl a hug. "What's wrong?" Of course she picks up on my sadness, she's used to nothing but a huge cheeky smile from me. I can't help it. She brings out nothing but happiness in me.

Johnny hurries over after hearing what Valentina said. "Why don't you go on up to Miss Sarah's and go play." She nods and runs off. Playing dolls is obviously more fun than hanging with us.

He holds open his arms, I immediately fall into them. I bury my head in his chest. The tears start flowing and for whatever reason I can't stop. "Open up hun."

I shake my head. He has enough going on.

"Please! I hate to see you like this. It's killing me!" The way he whines as he says this lets me know it truly has him worried

"It's just my parents. They overdosed." I slowly pull away to look him in the eye, after I wipe some of the tears away.

He looks puzzled. "I thought they were pieces of shit. Why even worry yourself with them?"

I shake my head and breathe in. It's a loaded question that I can't even answer. I don't know why I feel responsible when they never even bothered to be parents in the first place.

"I can't explain it Johnny, but I do. I think it's time I head home." I can't meet his eyes. I know he won't approve.

"Clarify just what heading home is." He sounds pissed. He knows.

"If they need me, I don't know how long I'll be there. I also can't just keep mooching off of Sarah. It's time I start out on my own."

Tears start falling again. This has become more about being scared of what my future holds, than just taking care of them. Johnny has Valentina to look after, and Sarah has done enough for me. I don't know if I'm ready to be in a relationship after that whole Hunter fiasco. It hurt me deep down. I didn't let it show, but it broke me. I don't want to ruin anything for Valentina and Johnny. I have no idea where I want to go in this life, and I sure as hell don't want to hold any of them back.

"That's some bull. The whole place has really come alive since you got here.I've come out of a shell I never knew I was in. Valentina loves you, and..."

My heart breaks. I hope he doesn't say it. It'll make this that much harder. "Please Johnny! Don't!"

He pulls me in close. Tears start raining down my face harder than before.

"I love you Veronica. In this short time, I have fallen harder than ever before. You bring out something in me, and just seeing you with Val, it does something to my heart. Please don't go back there."

I pull back away. "I have to Johnny. I came here because I was out on my ass, broke, and had no direction. It's time I made something of myself."

He looks at me, pain all over his face.

"That's it? After everything? Because I think that is some bull! If it's Val and I scaring you off, fine. We'll step back. But Sarah, she was depressed before you came. This housewife she is now, wasn't who she was before you came. She stayed in, the kids were down here with me more than they ever were at home, and Trent was struggling to deal with it all. One day I went on up to the house to find her drunk during the day. That's not like her. She had a miscarriage and wasn't coping well. That is until she got your call."

She never said anything. She just immediately came to fix me.

"That's just it Johnny! She always has to put everything aside to fix me! To get me out of trouble! To take care of me! And she should've been able to grieve and not bury that down for me."

He's silent, until he just laughs and shakes his head.

"You just don't see what you did for us. Everyone. You're not the bad guy here. Don't go back where you aren't appreciated."

I leave him with one last sentiment. "I have to."