Born to Die

Chapter Five

They say that death comes slowly to those that long for it, giving them time to reminisce over all the good in life that they failed to acknowledge while they still could. I guess it's not all a lie. It did come slowly, pulling me in and out of consciousness, bringing me hallucinations of sterile white rooms and beeping machines and people yelling in gibberish. But I did not reminisce. How could I when there was literally nothing good in my life? The whole alluring white light that gently pulls one in its direction until that last breath is breathed? It too is nothing more than an embellished portrait of death for those who fear it. Death does not bring light, just as light does not bring death. Death is darkness. Death is an overpowering shadow that engulfs souls and devours lives. There is nothing lavish in death just as there was nothing extravagant in life. I did not regret it. I did not regret dying.

Except I did not die. Well technically I did, but I came back.  Apparently life had not yet finished torturing me. The nurses told me when I woke up in the hospital that my heart had stopped beating twice and it was a miracle I survived, which wouldn't have been possible without the gifted precision of my doctor. There was something amiss about my doctor though. When I woke up he was sitting by my hospital bed, but before I even opened my eyes I recognised the smell. Oh God, please no. He's back. I thought to myself, but upon opening my eyes I saw that it wasn't my father, just my doctor. My doctor that smelled exactly the same as my father. He had a very strong natural scent. It wasn't unpleasant or anything, it was just distinct. I had learned his smell from the time he had given me two black eyes and I could not see a thing for over a week. But I could smell him when he came into my room and watched me, the way an artist might stare at his masterpiece. It was an unmistakable smell, one which I had never smelt on anyone else before... until Dr Lance of course. So I did not trust him accordingly and was very wary of him, constantly asking questions about what he was doing and why, not even trying to disguise my suspicion with general curiosity. After a while he must have gotten the idea that his presence was not appreciated because he stopped coming into my room as frequently and instead sent nurses on his behalf.

I remained in hospital for a few days recovering and then it was straight back to my cosy cell, where I was greeted by Zeke who had only visited me once while I was in hospital. He abstained from making eye contact just as he had done when he visited me. I wondered if he would always look at me differently now. "So umm how are you feeling?" He asked. I shrugged. "I'm glad you're okay..." I smiled, dismissively, I really wasn't in a chatty mood. "So I just wanted to tell you that this... incident has worked in collaboration with your psych evaluation and you have been deemed psychologically unstable therefore your accommodations are to be changed to an institute until further notice. Effective as of tomorrow morning. I'm sorry Hope." I grunted a response. "I wish you'd just stop! I was here! I came into this very cell everyday to check up on you when no one else would! You could have spoken to me! I could have helped you! This all could have been avoided! You can still talk to me yet you choose to bottle it all up, to mask it with this facade. But let me tell you,  I see through it. I know who you really are, even if you don't. So just talk to me please." Even while he shouted there was an undeniable kindness in his voice. It gave me the strength to talk but my words weren't kind or comforting. I needed to push him away. I had hurt him when I hurt myself and that pain would only deepen with each day that I let him continue to care about me. If I let this go on even though I knew I'd be hurting him I'd be no better than my father and I would never stoop so low. "You wanted me to talk to you? About what?  About how every page in the story of my life has been covered in pain? About how at every turn I've gotten more and more messed up? What did you want to hear exactly? What good would saying any of that done? I'll tell you, it would have earned me your sympathy. Do you think that's what I want? Your sympathy or anyone else's for that matter? Because I really do not! You think you see the person I really am? Well then you must see a seriously fucked up orphan with no direction, ambitions or goals. I am headed nowhere! I am crippled by pain and you think you can see that?" He looked like a scowled puppy. "Hope... you're wrong. I do see that. All of it. I see that's what you truly believe but I also see that there's much more to you than that. That there is hope for you; that you can build a future for yourself, despite your past... that's what I see. You are damaged but not broken. Let me help you, Hope. Let me help you find your hope." He reached for my hands then but I pulled away and turned my back to him. It just occurred to me for the first time that his treatment towards me was based on his view of me. He saw me for what I've been through, not what I've done. I was a monster but he'd never see that because he only saw the monsters I was slaying.

I suddenly noticed that my cheeks were moist with tears and I was fighting back sobs.  Why are you crying? Stop it!  Stop crying! You're not weak, you're strong.  Do not cry. Zeke's hands were on my shoulders, gently turning me back around to face him. He wrapped his arms around me, locking me into my first hug ever. This only made me cry harder into his very firm chest. He just held me and let me cry and hold him back. It was the strangest thing, to share my first hug with someone who's virtually a total stranger. But in that moment he felt closer to me than I ever thought possible. Eventually I pulled away, sniffling, wiping the tears from my face. "Sorry about that." I said, looking down. Placing his index finger below my chin he lifted my face up to look at him. "Don't ever apologize for showing how you feel. It is not weakness despite what everyone is always preaching. On the contrary, it's bravery." I nodded slightly. "Thank y-" He cut me off, lowering his face to mine, our lips barely meeting briefly before some asshole opened the door leading to the long room of empty cells.

Zeke took three steps back, just three but it felt like he was worlds away. He cleared his throat before speaking "I'll come to see you off tomorrow morning. Sleep well." And then he was gone. What was that you idiot? Get your shit together. Don't fall in love. Don't you dare. So to take my mind off of Zeke and the almost kiss I went to sleep.