can you remember the first time you tried to scribble down the words inside your head on a paper around the table of your room? and to your surprise, the white unstained piece of leaf was turned to a colorful splash of emotions.
which later on, have you decided to grab a notebook that never been touched since you bought it from the bookstore looking alike any other ordinary eighty leaves spring notebook but now was filled with different ink all from your sweat, bravery to try and dedication to continue.
why can't you do it now, dear? what happened to the tears that were once used to paint the pages? did storms of pain stopped bolting a thunder in your heart? did drops of rain don't feel like heavy burdens on your shoulder anymore? buckets of blood flowing down to the tips and spaces between your fingers, did you stop cutting your wrist?
were your sight turned blind that you can't see what once your subjects were? or have you been numbed from all of these to the point that you just let it all pass by?
the bone-chilling breeze of night's air blanketing your system, the heat of the sun from a morning jog, or the burn you got by touching a fervent mug, can't you feel it anymore?
have you already found the answers from all your queries that kept you up all night blankly staring at the ceiling visualizing the life you wish you could have. from the dreams you dream and wishes you wish, to the 11:11 and shooting stars, have you gone tired of sitting by the window waiting for things to happen the way you wanted them to be? raising your hand reaching the moon and your fingers tracing the constellations. you had their luminosity in your palm, did it just died or you switched off the light?
did you lose your hopes as footprints just get washed away by the waves greeting the shore?
while staring at an empty space in your notebook where you used to bond with your letters, did words stop from flowing and you can't just seem to write anything? even tears wanted to burst out and stream down your cheeks, even the loud screams inside your head tell you to do something like before to be able to tame the wilderness inside you, what happened now? when all that you can do is just remember the first time you did it.
xi. remembering the first time
