The Dreamers

-XVIII-

It was a wonderful weekend.

When Valerie happily asked me out on a quick weekend trip, I was excited. 

It's been a month na halata kong stressed out siya, kahit ideny niya at itago sakin, I knew something was off. I asked and tried to coax it out of her several times, pero I guess she isn't ready to share. 

So I just stood by her. Hugged her when she needed me. Made her feel she's not in this alone.

I planned to take her to Mt. Hulo. She told me before how she loved stargazing. And I loved seeing her happy. Win-win.

I didn't know until then that she was planning to start celebrating my birthday that weekend. Kahit na the week after next pa talaga. She gave me her gifts—all beautiful and precious—but it was her smile that was the cream on top of it all. 

It was the same smile I've fallen in love with.

What happened next was not part of my plans. Telling her I love her. Hearing her say it back. Making her feel my love. Making love to her.

We watched the sunrise the next day and spent the rest of Sunday wrapped up in each other. This is how I imagine Val and I's future. Working towards our dreams during the weekdays, ticking off items in our bucket list on weekends, and spending the nights showering each other with love.

I could get used to waking up and seeing her beautiful, sleeping face everyday. But we have plenty of time for that. Once we get married. Maybe I should propose to her so we can start our forever... I smile.

This was the thought in my head when I went in the office the next morning.  Valerie said she'll be going ahead kaya hindi ko siya sinundo papasok. 

Naglalakad ako papunta sa opisina ko, sporting a smile, nung makita ko si Jess and Rom standing outside my office door. A grim look on their faces.

I smiled wider. "Good morning. Aga-aga niyo naman magsimangot? Whatever it is, it's solveable." I say as I reach them. "What's up?"

Mas lalong dumilim ang mukha nila. Jess opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again. Rom tapped his shoulder and looked at me.

"Javi, Valerie resigned."

>>>>>

The number you are calling is unavailable. Please try again later.

I went to her apartment. She wasn't there. Her landlord said na tinapos na niya ang kontrata niya. Nagsabi siya isang buwan na ang nakakaraan.

The number you are calling is unavailable. Please try again later.

I went to the places she frequents. The library, the old coffee shop malapit sa office. Nagbabaka sakaling nandun siya. She wasn't.

The number you are calling is unavailable. Please try again later.

I didn't know where else to look. She never mentioned where her family lives. She tells me stories of them, but never specific information. Looking back, it's as if she didn't want me to know who she was.

Now I'm starting to think I didn't even knew who she is.

She has planned everything. 

There were a bunch of files bearing step-by-step guides to everything she has done in the past months she's been with us. Everything was organized. Not a single thing was out of place. 

Her friends didn't know anything. No one else knew anything about her. They said she told them stories in a certain way which will make you think you know her, but you don't.

I went to the indoor garden she loved. I sat down on the empty bench na madalas namin tambayan.

The number you are calling is unavailable. Please try again later.

It's been a month since she left. And kahit alam kong walang sasagot, I keep on calling her phone. Wala kaming napapala sa pagpapahanap sa kanya.

It's as if she just disappeared. Like she didn't exist.

But the pain I feel everyday is enough proof that she did.

I looked at the letter I was holding. It was the letter she gave me for my birthday. 

Last week ko lang naalala that she left me something. I had rushed to open it, hoping it will shed light on what really happened. But it didn't.

I let out a cry. Tangina, ang sakit pa din.

This is the last time. I promise, this is the last time.

Javi,

By the time you read this, I would not be by your side to greet you a happy birthday.

I wish I could find the words to explain what I did, but I could not.

I wish that if I say sorry, titigil din ang sakit. But I know it wouldn't.

I wish that if I tell you how much I love you, it would be enough. But it won't.

The first time we met, you told me about your dreams. A better world, you said. I didn't know back then how serious you were. But everytime you talk about it and your whole face lights up like Christmas; everytime you stand in front of the whole world, ready to help and lead; everytime I see that smile form on your face when you're out serving your people, I saw just how serious you are. This is your passion. This is your home. This is where you are meant to be.

And from then on, I vowed that I'd stand guard to protect it. To protect you. To protect your dreams.

Even if it costs me everything.

Javi, there are battles that I have to fight alone. Demons I need to face myself. And my love for you is not strong enough to drag you in this mess. I'm not strong enough to face it and protect your dreams at the same time. Which is why I'm doing what I think is best.

I'm leaving, Javi. Far away. Please don't look for me. Don't waste your time and energy. Focus on your goals. Your passion. Your dreams.

You are a great man, Javi. And you deserve the best of this world. A great woman who can stand by you and will help you reach your dreams.

Thank you for everything, Javi. Thank you for loving me the way you did.

Catch your dreams, my love. I love you, Javi.

Yours,

Val

I folded the letter, stood up, and gave it to Jess who was standing near the garden entrance.

"Burn it." I say. I nodded at Rom who was standing beside Jess.

"Let's get to work."

This is the last time I'm going to think of you, Valerie.

I will make my dreams happen, Val. Even if you're no longer here. I love you, Valerie.

>>>>>

@ajnotawriter (Twitter)