Letter 2 U

Part 27 - the date

"Shouldn't you go check on him?" a distraught Yugyeom asked tiredly, as he turned to Jinyoung. However, before the singer could follow his boyfriend, JB held his arm to stop him.

"Let me go talk to him." The leader said, giving his friend a reassuring look. The younger hesitated a bit, but just let him go. As he eyed JB knocking on Mark's bedroom door and letting himself in, he asked Youngjae to tell them more about their meeting at JYPE.

When Got7's leader closed the door behind him, his eyes immediately followed his hyung's form by the window. It was cold outside and the fact that the American ignored the icy wind coming from it, made the Korean jump to dreadful conclusions. However, before he could approach the elder, the other turned to him.

"I'm not gonna jump, if that's what you're thinking." He said calmly, as he moved away from the curtains, sat on his bed and offered a spot to his dongsaeng, who carefully accepted it and sat beside him.

"What are you thinking then?" JB asked, no judgment on his voice. He wanted his hyung to know that he was there for him.

"He could be out there, you know, locked up in some dirty cold basement, bleeding out, yelling for help." The American answered, as his eyes returned to the direction of the window.

"These past few months you gave the impression that you hated him. You looked at him with so much contempt. When did that change?" JB pushed, trying to understand what was going on in the elder's head.

"While I attended some individual therapy sessions with Dr. Lee all she did was to make me hate him. She made me believe that Jackson never loved me, and that I should take revenge for what he did to me. That was probably her crazy brother's instructions, but somehow her unorthodox 'counseling' made me stronger, made me feel less angry at myself and gradually more confident. I ceased to hurt myself, I wanted him to be the one hurting. I knew Jin would help me get my revenge."

"What's that supposed to mean? Were you using him?" JB was agape with that information. He would hate to think take the American had been pretending to love his friend just to punish Jackson.

"Maybe at first. I don't know for sure. I remember that the idea crossed my mind and it lingered there for a while. But he made me fall in love with him, while I still had feelings for Jackson. In fact, I cannot deny that my heart still beats for him at times." Mark sighed in frustration. He never knew it would be possible to love two totally different people at the same time. His heart was unfair to Jinyoung, and indiscriminately blind to Jackson's faults.

"This is not love, you know?" JB declared, as Mark's eyes immediately found his.

"What do you mean?" the American frowned at his words.

"Last night I started reading about how rape victims deal with their trauma differently. The tough ones report their rapists and fell disgusted by what they did. Others forgive, and even dare to go back to the guy and sleep with them, believing that it's never gonna happen again, all in the name of love. Others marry their attacker, in order to convince themselves that it wasn't rape, that it was just sex, and it would've happened anyways. Others seek healing in the form of self-harming, drugs, alcohol and the ultimate exit, suicide." JB talked slowly, as he observed how his hyung's face grimaced.

"And I bet you already know in which category I fit, right?! Because reading about it makes you a fucking specialist in PTSD or something?!" Mark looked offended as he got up from the bed.

"I don't know, Mark! I can't even start to imagine how it was for you, how it feels now. The truth is, maybe you should find some group counseling with people who had gone through the same shit you experienced. That way you may get to understand of how that day in Macao has affected you. Who knows, you might find more empathy in a place where you can share your trauma with those who are struggling with the same emotions. But please, stop deluding yourself with this illusion of love. You will never be able to correct Jackson's crime. Clinging to the feelings you had for him before it happened won't justify any of it. You'll never be able to get back what he took from you. Admitting what he did is accepting that your life will never be the same again. You heard him the other day, he wanted to validate his power over you, it had nothing to do with affection. Jackson does no love you and you do not love him back. You need to internalize that, the sooner the better. " JB stated firmly. His words felt like a slap in the face, and the American could only shake his head in denial.