I KNOW I HAVE TOOK A VERY LONG TIME UPDATING I KNOW THAT IRRITATES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YALL AND IM VERY SORRY I KNOW I ALWAYS SAYING THAT BUT I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WATTPAD AND IVE BEEN BUSY SINCE THE LAST TIME I UPDATED SO PLEASE BEAR WITH ME AND PRETTY PLZ DONT STOP READING MY BOOKS IT WOULD DESTROY ME IF U DID..I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I WILL NEVER IGNORE YOU AND NOT FINISH THE BOOK YOU WILL KNOW IF ITS FINISHED (which will be no time soon) IM UPDATING BECUZ I LOVE YOU
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Chapter 14
After I let michael out I quickly ran up to my room and shut my door and locked it.
I just agreed to give michael a chance...I just agreed on michael coming around..I just fucking let michael into my life. Well he's been in my life but I just told him he could..like it's ok or something. (Sigh) Did I just made the biggest mistake of my life or did I just made the best decision I could ever make, either way both of them are frightening. Some of you dont understand my situation..michael has been *beating* me for years and me leting him in like this is very scary. How can you trust someone that has been abrusing you for so long? How can you let someone in that been huting you so much? Yeah he's been apologizing for a week but...how can you forgive and let someone that has been calling you out your name and putting their hands on you..he said he wasnt gonna leave me alone he just goona bother me more if I didnt give him a chance he also said he would never hurt me again. How can trust that tho..how do I know he's not lying? Hes been beating me for years..how can you just stop, what made him beat me from begain with..
When you have a abusive husband and he finally said he was sorry and said he wouldnt beat you anymore...would you trust him and stay or would you leave?? This is the same situation exept we're no married..I cant trust michael at all after all the things he has done to me...brutal things...so if Im going to give michae a chance I'm gonna always have protection just in case he wants to attack..I know I sound very dramatic but you have to understand being abused is very serious ok and it's extremely scary I dont want michael to get mad and hit me..if you havent been in abusive situation then you will never understand.
Im pasting my room back and foward trying to figure out how im going to cope with michael being around..how im gonna control my fear while I'm with him..its gonna be really hard especially with him being in my house.
After pasting my room for what seems like hours my anxiety keeps getting wrost and wrost im literally thinking of the wrost possiblities that michael could do to me if we were alone..I dont think I can take that I dont know how I cant handle that..yeah ive been beaten by him for so long I should be used to it..but im not..he cant do this in my own home. I really cant take this amount of presure.. its hurts it really hurts my heart feels so heavy it aches it feels like it will drop into my stomach..my body is shaking and I feel weak .
I drop to my knees crying while putting my hands together praying style and just prayed out loud to god. My mom always said if you cant talk to no one you can always talk to god, he will listen to every word and help you..it might not be today or tomorrow or the next day but in his petfect time if only you believe he will.
So thats what I did I prayed.
"God..Im hurting...Im lost..Im confused I dont know what to do..I know you been watching over me and you seen what I went through with michael god he wants me to give him a chance but you seen what I went through with him how can I trust him? Why all of a sudden he has a change of heart..is it you god did you do that did you made him finllay see what he has been doing to me or am im being traped are you trying to warn me..do I need to do something what is it? Everything has been going in fast motion just last week I was on the ground in pain and now michael is begging on his knees how did this happen I cant fathum it whats going on..god I cant, my heart hurts im so scared god please help me I cant do this by myself nothing is making since..what if he gets mad at me and hit me god what if he's been lying this whole time and been planning something for me what if he's trying kill me..god I need answers please please I need you I cant take no more pain its tearing me apart please god hear me out dont pass me by help me help me help me I cant take anymore pain..I believe in you, you will make a way I trust you.......*sniffs*....in gods name amen" . I prayed slowly
