The Final Female

Chapter Fifteen

Zander still wouldn't look at me. 

We were sitting in one of the old shops. It looked like a large Marks & Spencer. There were old clothes racks littered around but the main appeal was the plush sofa's that were arranged into a seating area in the homeware section.  

Patrick sat a few metres away in one of the aisles as he chatted with Peter and the two twins, Brody and Ethan. I hadn't spoken to his friends since the day he introduced me to them at breakfast. 

Vince and Quinn were stuck at the hip as usual as they tried to be unnecessarily discrete in their conversation. They thought they were being polite by keeping quiet. I just wanted everyone to make noise. They were probably being influenced by the utter silence of the two boys nearest me.

Zander sat awkwardly in an armchair across from me. He looked like he was trying to look casual and not at all uncomfortable with this whole situation. I was staring at him, willing him to just bloody look at me. But his eyes held interest in the damn unicorn pillow peaking out of the cushion section. 

I felt dirty. Disgusting. Everyone was tip toeing around me. They must all think of me as some slut. I felt like one. I hated that word. But in that moment, as we sat on these sofa's while Isaac and his men evicted Benjamin from the Vivo because of me. I felt unworthy. 

The slight brush of Jay's arm against mine as we sat on the sofa together didn't help either and so I pulled my legs up and shuffled into the armrest, all the while ignoring the slight turn of his head as he noticed my movement. 

And so that's how the next half hour went. Me avoiding Jay's eyes, Zander avoiding mine and Jay trying to communicate silently and desperately with the both of us. 

All the while Jay's presence beside me just made me feel like I was tainted. Like I wasn't deserving. I couldn't deny it any longer. Something was going on between us. I didn't know what exactly, but it scared the bloody hell out of me. I'd built myself up to despise all men over the last few years. I'd decided there wasn't a good one left. And yet the one beside me had me wishing my virginity hadn't been taken by a monster so I wouldn't feel like a used and broken toy that a child no longer wants. 

Benjamin's words still taunted me too. 

Dry, dry, dry. That was the word he used. 

My mind went for barren, barren, barren. 

That just added to the pathetic nature of my existence. I'm meant to be saving the human race and yet after being used hundreds of times; I'm still empty in more ways than one. 

The bang behind us didn't disrupt my thoughts as my knees hugged my chest and my hands continued clinging to the seams of the sofa's corner. In my peripheral vision however I noticed the turn of all the boy's heads.

"Alright. Done and dusted. Crisis averted. No more Benny boy to speak of!" 

"Isaac. Shh." Jay said as he tried to discreetly motion to me. That's when I looked up and realised not everyone was avoiding eye contact anymore. They were all looking worriedly at me, even Zander. That's when I noticed that Jay's hand had been holding my arms for probably a long time. 

I looked around confused and then my eyes landed on the bite marks on my arm that had prickles of blood seeping through. 

"I thought you'd stopped doing that Lex." Zander looked sad. 

"I'm fine don't worry. All good see!" I wiped my arms trying to rid myself of yet another imperfection about myself. Jay grabbed my arms again trying to stop my frantic swiping at my skin. He reverted to pulling my back against him and holding me still until my breathing matched his. 

"He's gone mi amor. You're ok."

"Yeh I know." I smiled weakly. 

"Here." Quinn crouches in front of me with some wipes. He must have gone to the clinic. He starts gently wiping away the blood and covering it with a bandage. 

I want to shrivel away forever. I can't believe I just did that in front of everyone. The last time I had done it in front of a large group was in primary school when a boy pulled my pigtails and ripped up my work. I still had the scar on my upper right arm but it would have faded by now if it hadn't been reopened a couple times in Benjamin's cellar. It was always covered by my sleeve. 

I looked around like a deer caught in headlights. Isaac stood behind me with a sorry look on his usually smirking face. Vince looked at Zander expecting him to explode at any moment. Quinn looked like my Dad crouching beneath me and all I wanted to do was cry in his arms. Patrick and the other boys all sat in the aisle taking turns looking back and forth as to not all be staring at once. Patrick wouldn't think of me as his mother now, I was too weak to be thought of as a mother. Zander looked like he was fighting the urge to run over and whisk me away from everything. 

Jay felt warm. 

"Hey, everyone, let's go check out if there's a game on at the courts yeh?" Quinn piped as he motioned everyone with a jerk of his head to follow. I watched thankfully as they all followed his lead out of the Marks & Spencer and left me with only Zander and Jay. 

"I should go too." Jay says as he moves to unwind himself from me. 

"No it's ok honestly." I say as I look up at him.

"I'll find you later. I promise. Zane is with you." I can see the unspoken line behind his eyes. Zander needs time with me as much as I do him. He's blaming himself. He shouldn't be. 

"Ok."

Zander's eyes finally meet mine. 

And then he cries. 

"Please don't cry Zee." 

"I did this to you. I ruined you."

"You did no such thing. 

"I left you. I deserve more than the punch you gave me the other day."

"No, you deserve a hug. I deserve a hug. We both deserve happiness." I was lying through my teeth. I didn't. He did. I deserved nothing. 

He stood up and sat beside me as I curled up against him under his arm and we sat in silence for what I wished would last forever. 

"Tell me about it."

"Zee..."

"I need to know. Just... Just tell me."