Random Writings

Enough

"I'm not enough. I'm a failure; Always have been, always will be."

The message replays over and over again in my head. It's the first thing I hear when I wake up and the last thing I hear before I am off in dreamland where my friends and family tell me "you're not enough. You're a failure. You always have been and always will be."

I used to look myself in the eye and say this message over and over till it was ingrained so deep into my mind that... I don't know how to live without it. I don't know how to set goals because, for me, they are unattainable. I don't know how to put myself before others because others will always have more hope then I do. I don't know how to take care of myself because what is the point in cleaning trash? I don't know how to live because all I am is a waste of space...

But nowadays I want to set goals. I want to be a little selfish. I want to take care of my body. I want to live. But some days, hell some weeks. It takes all of my energy to just not break down and cry and see my reflection and think "I'm not enough. I'm a failure. Always have been and always will be."

It takes all of my energy to stand there as if nothing is wrong and continue my day as if I am okay. Because that is what I have to do. I have to make sure it doesn't win. I have to push myself to prove that message wrong... and yet it has been so ingrained into me that I give in....

I give in and start from ground zero. And have to build up my self image again only for it to break in a couple of months. And then rinse and repeat. Over and over and over until I see that I'm not at ground zero. No, this time I'm at ground one...