The Broken Pieces Left Behind

Chapter 30

I was depressed. There was no 'if' about it. Not even Ed and ice cream helped. I just wanted things to go back to normal, where all I had to think about was my mom driving me crazy and obsess over a test. As far as Sara was concerned, she seemed to be behaving herself which meant I had time, lots of it to obsess over everything that had happened to me the last couple of weeks--mainly my break-ups with the two most important people in my life.

My textbook was open in front of me as I lay on my bed looking for anything you do to keep my mind preoccupied. The only problem was I had read the same line of words five time already and still had no clue what was going on.  I rolled the pencil on the page watching at it rolled back down, again and again in a mindless exercise.

I dropped my head on my pillow, burying my face and groaning in frustration.

I needed this thing, feeling, whatever it was out of my system. I couldn't function well and I hated it. My life was so far out of my control I needed some way to feel in control again. Only I didn't know where to start.

A knock interrupted my very productive musings and I turned my head toward the sound. Sara walked in and I had to do a double take. She was wearing sweatpants. If I knew anything about the woman was that she never wore sweatpants, even when she was in the post break-up phase.

"We need to talk," she started.

I abruptly sat up my eyes widening in panic. "What's wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?"

I inhaled and looked at her. She was wearing sweats, she had been rather calm these days, I mean I hadn't heard about Ari in a while and she had been home almost everyday for the last two weeks. I swallowed the gasp I could feel rising to my lips. Please don't tell me that she was pregnant. I didn't think that I could handle that.

"No, nothing's wrong," she walked into the room and sat next to me. "Why would you think that?"

Her eyebrows pulled together over her bluebell eyes. I shook my head. "Mom are you pregnant?" I didn't see the point in trying to ease into the situation. It was like a band-aid that needed to be ripped off quickly so that it would hurt less.

She started laughing. Not just a soft amused kind, but loud, holding her belly kind of laughter. I could even see moisture gather in the corner of her eyes. I looked at her confused. What did she think was so funny? Was that a yes or a no? Here she was laughing and I was having a mini meltdown inside.

"No Becca, I am not pregnant." I breathed a sigh of relief. Then what did she need to talk to me about? "Is that what you think I wanted to tell you?"

I shrugged. She hadn't really had a conversation with me, a real conversation with me, in a very long time. The only time she actively wanted my company when there was trouble, so this time I didn't expect it to be different.

"I know that I haven't been the best mother to you since your father died."

"Mom, where is this coming from. I never said that," I denied.

"I heard what you said to Erin," she countered softly. Another wave of denial rushed to my lips. "No it's okay. I think I needed to hear it."

"You weren't supposed to hear that." My voice was small and I picked at my cuticles unable to look her in the eyes. I didn't want to feel bad about the words I had said, but I did. Especially since she had heard them.

"I figured," she took my hand in hers and I looked down that out hands together. I was like a foreign feeling, her touch. "Is that what you think about when you think about loving someone. That it is a bad thing. Sweetheart, love is wonderful and if you find it then you are very lucky."