The Broken Pieces Left Behind

Chapter 8

Do you think that maybe you're enabling her?

I tucked my feet under me and said nothing for a while watching the hands on the clock on the wall tick for a full minute before looking back to Phil, those words repeating in my head. We were discussing the new developments in Sara's relationship and while I kind of knew what Phil was trying to say I still had to ask.

"What do you mean?" I picked at the invisible lint on my jeans with my lips pursed before pushing my hands through my hair.

"Have you ever thought that because you keep fixing her mistakes she'll keep making it?" 

It did occur to me, quite a lot. But fixing things were a lot easier than waiting for Sara to notice that something was wrong - I'd be waiting a long tome for that to happen - like maybe until the next ice-age. I shrugged and made a non-committal grunt of acknowledgment. 

"Do you think that it has to do with the fact that you crave control?"

I stared slack jawed at him. Trust Phil not to sugar coat anything. 

"What do you mean by that?" I was maybe just a little defensive, I did not like to control things. I preferred to think that I was a planner. I plan things not control them.

"Do you fix her mistakes  because you are comfortable with the way things are?"

"What?!" I balked "No that's crazy. Why would I possibly like how things are?"

"Stay with me here for a second, no one is blaming you for anything. You expect these things from Sara. It never changes. She has these patterns, you said so yourself." I nodded unsure as to where he was going with this "Then when she deviates from those patterns, like for instance, getting back together with Damon, it makes you uncomfortable."

It wasn't like that at all. Her being with Damon makes me feel uncomfortable because he's uncomfortable to be around and he thinks I want to sleep with him - I would rather starve to death. I would love it if Sara got her act together and started acting less like she does and more like an adult, but didn't think that was going to happen anytime soon.

Did I really enable her by looking after her? I opened my mouth to answer only to close it again; no words came. 

"It's just easier, I guess," I say softly "Well not always easier but a whole lot less complicated."

"And why do you think that is?"

Hell if I knew. I shrugged again "I guess it scares me."

"Okay," he nodded scribbling in the notepad on his lap, he did it often but I was never as aware of it as I was right now "What is it that scares you so much?"

"I don't know," I mumbled sheepishly but he sat quietly studying me, his eyes - though soft and supportive - probed me for answers. Inhaling I continued, playing with the ends of my hair "I suppose that maybe, I think that if I stop fixing things then something might happen to her, and if something happens to her, then I'll lose her. I 'll lose her like, like I lost dad." 

Tears blurred my vision and I blinked to clear it away, swallowing the giant lump in my throat. It wasn't the first time I'd cried in front of him and I was sure it wasn't going to be the last.

"Good. Now do you think that you could be sensationalizing things? Do you really think that Sara's behavior could in anyway hurt her?"

"If she keeps dating guys like Damon, then yeah."

An amused smile touched his lips, "Why is that?"

"My dad. He was nothing like those guys, and I'm not just saying that because I don't like any of them. Damon he," I stopped and wondered if I should tell him. I mean Damon didn't do anything really, other that severely creep me out and I wasn't a shy timid girl to just take anything. I knew that if he ever came around me again with his crap he was going to be losing important, very necessary body parts, "I'm not even sure what he is, or what he does but he's always drunk and hanging around the apartment."