The Blank Canvas

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"Jamie come on, step on that pedal," Emily complained beside Jamie on the passenger seat with her phone between her hands, as she quickly unlocked it and replied to a message, "We're already -what- 15 minutes late!"

"Em, do we - I - have to go, we have classes tomorrow, at 8, it's not too late to turn back..."Jamie kept his eyes on the road ahead of him, the hopeful look in his eyes quickly changed as he saw the club's blinding lights screaming for attention.

 "Jamie, think about all the good that will come out of this," Emily mentioned with a sardonic smirk, "you might meet a cute guy."

"There's nothing good coming out of this, Em, you're just dragging me here so you can get some 'cute guy'" He let out a loud groan in defeat as he followed a giddy Emily to the entrance.

At the door, a buff Hispanic man stood, clad in black jeans and a black buffer jacket with dark sunglasses resting on the bridge of his nose even though the sun was long gone by now. When it was their turn, they handed in their IDs, this time they were of age, this time the cards weren't fake.

As soon as they passed through the door, Emily wrapped a perfectly manicured hand around Jamie's forearm and pulled him towards a group of people sitting at a round table with countless drinks set on the ebony wood in front of them. Friends Emily had made during their first week in the institute- at least one of them has a life. With Emily being a social butterfly, it made up for Jamie's lone wolf demeanor.

Jamie sat at the edge of the red leather curved bench with Emily at his left-hand side, already deep in conversation with two blondes. A small smile crept on his face as he watched Emily laughing and doing crazy gestures with her hands as she spoke.

He could feel two holes getting burnt on the side of his head, and he found himself turning his head unconsciously to the side and his brown eyes met grey orbs.  He found himself drawn -almost lost- in the silver storms of the stranger's eyes, but as soon as their eyes met, the other boy averted his eyes, his face fell with a frown forming.

Jamie couldn't help but feel like he had done something wrong, but all he did was look. Look at the beautiful art piece in front of him. Take it in, observe every hair on his head, every sparkle in his eyes, the way his Adams apple bobbed as he slowly gulped. Jamie didn't know then that he was slowly getting sucked into a whirlpool...

To break his escalating trail of thoughts; Jamie slipped through the crowd and made a beeline for the bar. He had hoped that with one shot of whiskey he'd be ready to move with the music, hands in the air,  with his body moving like an uncoiling rope, and eyes set aflame.  He had hoped that joy and adrenaline would shoot through his veins replacing his curious thoughts. He had hoped that as soon as the burning liquid had trickled down his throat, he'd be moving, one with the music, one with every person dancing in this place. 

But alas, as he sat at the barstool with orange juice between his hands, he felt like an idle raindrop, a drop slowly falling from stratus clouds that hung low in the nubilous sky just to fall into the vast ocean.  He quietly watched the people sway to the music with the LED lights changing colour as he blinked, as if the people were dancing on the Northern Lights. He watched their bodies move, concentrating, trying to stop a rising anxiety attack. His efforts were rendered useless as he felt his breath quicken. Standing up from the bar, he pushed through the dancing crowd and made his way to the backdoor with certain eyes following his every move. That was of course unbeknownst to him.

 Jamie felt small rivulets of sweat form on his forehead as his clenched fist got clammy by the passing second. He needed a smoke.

When he was out the door, he quickly pulled out a blunt from his jeans pocket, and with his hands still shaking rheumatically,  he pats down himself in search of his lighter. As soon as the blunt was lit, he found his lips attached to its end and took a drag. His brown eyes watched the silver smoke swirl as it shimmers against the dimly lit night sky as he found his breathing slowing back to normal.  

A low creak echoed across the ally way, Jamie's eyes were directed to the dark figure that was closing the door. The guy from before. Jamie eyed him slowly but paid him no mind- or at least he pretended to. He hoped that his face was expressionless as he feigned carelessness that the boy was getting closer to him. He hoped that his rapid heartbeat wasn't loud enough for the other male to hear. And at that moment, he hoped that blood won't rush to his face.

From the corner of his eye, Jamie could see the boy nervously bite his bottom lip as he contemplated his next actions.

"Hi..." The boy softly breathed out as he licked his lips.

Jamie didn't reply.

They could both feel the air thicken quickly as unspoken words floated around them.  With one last drag from the fag, Jamie dropped the blunt to the seamless floor and stepped on it putting it out. He lightly pushed himself from the brick wall that he was leaning against and stood in front of the other boy. The boy watched Jamie with slightly parted lips as he gazed back at him through thick blonde lashes. Jamie watched the boy's dark hair slowly sway with the light zephyr, his grey sparkling eyes, his red flushed cheeks and his rose parted lips. He took this opportunity and observed the boy, almost memorizing his face as if it were the last time they'd meet. Neither of them moved. Neither of them made an effort to take the first step. Neither of them wanted to break the silent air between them. 

Then unconsciously, the boy started leaning in, and simultaneously Jamie felt himself drawn to the boy. And when their lips were a couple millimeters away from each other, Jamie hesitated, his gaze switched from the flush lips to the stormy eyes.

A second later, Jamie found himself pushed against the very wall he was leaning against mere minutes ago -though it felt like eons- with another man's lips on his own.

They let each other's hands explore their bodies as their lips playfully danced together in the late September night. Jamie's jacket was discarded on the dirt ground without a second thought as he held onto the boy's body tightly for dear life. The low hum and drum from the club could be heard in the sable alley but neither boys paid it mind. 

Jamie felt a burning sensation rise in his chest. He didn't know if it was another anxiety attack or his human need for oxygen. Stupid lungs. But either way, he wasn't willing to pull away.  As the boy nibbled on Jamie's bottom lip, Jamie wove his callous fingers through the boy's chestnut hair and let out a loud moan.

Both their eyes shot open as they quickly parted. This wasn't how Jamie expected his first week of university to be like, he specifically said no drama, and no drama also meant no boys.

"Fuck!" Jamie watched the other boy rake a hand through his hair in frustration, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that... I-I have to go."

The classic lie. 

Jamie waited a few more minutes before going back to the Bar to meet with Emily. And both the boys departed from the brightly lit bar with one thought in mind- well... a thought other than each other-: I messed up.

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