In The Blood

Torn

(Avi)

I didn't know what to do with myself. Part of me wanted to be with people, part of me wanted to be alone, and part of me just wanted to be away. Away from it all, far away from this hospital. I clung to people like I was afraid to lose them only to push them away only minutes later. I was irritating the crap out of everyone but I didn't know how to stop the conflicting emotions inside of me. I would be irritated with me myself if I were someone else. Come here, come here, I'm scared, don't leave me please; would you get away from me, you're smothering me, I said get away! Everyone was starting to snap at me and I didn't blame them. I was being a restless, clingy, nervous, and irritable jerk. And honest to God, I didn't mean to snap at Adam, but I had and naturally he, then Chris and Matt, let me have it. I was aware I partially deserved it. However, I had apologized but no one seemed willing to forgive yet. I didn't even press it. Eventually it'd come. Finally I just got my nervous butt up and moved across the waiting room, trying to zone out. That lasted all of two minutes before Mom moved over next to me, just sitting there quietly.

Even that was enough to set crabby me off. "Would you leave me alone?"

She shifted a steady gaze to me. "Twenty minutes ago you were holding Mitch's hand. Fifteen minutes ago you snapped at him to get away. Ten minutes ago you were attached to Adam's hip. Five minutes ago you snapped at him and he, Chris, and Matt snapped right back at you. What do you want? Friends and family or alone?"

I truly wished I could answer that question. I didn't even know the answer to that. "Sorry, Mom. I don't know what I want."

Esther started to rub my shoulders. "Don't alienate yourself right now. It is not a good thing."

"I'm not," I complained, wondering how holding Mitch's hand and shadowing Adam could be considered as alienating myself.

Ignoring the whine in my voice, she reached down and hugged me as I tried to wriggle away.

"Hey, y'all!" Austin called from the doorway. I shifted my eyes to him but a good half of us ignored him, just continuing to talk, play on phones, read, or doze. "I said, hey y'all!" That garnered more attention, but Matt, Darien, Cheryl, Kline, and Scott were still lost in their own minds or activities. Face it, we were zombies. Finally, Chance reached over and killed the lights. A man in the corner hurled a box of tissue at him in exasperation. Fred stretched his arms up and batted it down.

"Leave the lights alone, dude!" the man snapped at him.

His friend patted at his arm. "Don't throw things. Just don't play with the lights, OK, man? Gives me a headache."

"Sorry, trying to get my own group's attention," Chance apologized, moving his hand down from the switch.

"Somebody snap Scott out of it," Austin ordered.

"Matt! Cheryl! Kline!" Chance called out. "Avi, I can't for the life of me remember your brother-in-law's name. Get his attention for me."

"Darien," I supplied as Dad jostled him awake and Mitch shook Scott to.

"What is it, Chance?" Adam asked, about as crabby as I was.

Kirstie eyed Chance and Austin. "Been a change?"

"Tim's awake. Tim came—," Austin started only to be interrupted by a cheer.

"How is he? What's he doing? What's he saying?" Matt begged.

"Can we go back there?" Mitch asked hopefully.

"Let him recover for a few," Kevin advised. "It's not easy coming out of a near comatose state."