In The Blood

Improving

(Tim)

Janna nodded and grabbed a notebook from her desk, starting to scribble frantically. I was certain it said something along the lines of FUBAR or 'he is beyond our scope of expertise', maybe 'this guy is screwed up to the point that I don't know what to do with him'. I toyed with my teacup, tracing the swirly design. Yeah, I didn't know what to do with me either. Clearly, the throwing myself into traffic maneuver was not an acceptable solution. It'd scared the shit out of Casey and Sawyer and put them both at risk since they'd decided to try and save me from myself. I didn't want them hurt. Thank God they survived the whole ordeal. I was much more concerned about their well-being than my own. I'd finally reached the point where I just didn't care. I hadn't cared an hour and a half ago; I didn't care now. Whatever. Let whatever fate holds for me happen; I didn't care. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. If an anvil were to fall on my head in Looney Toons fashion, whatever. If I were crossing the road and a car came around the corner, I wouldn't run. If I was cutting up a piece of steak, slipped and cut my palm instead, I'd just look at it. If Linda were to waltz in here and pull a gun on me, I wouldn't fight her. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of it all. Nothing seemed to matter. I was just... here. I existed. That was about all to it. I existed. Why I existed, I had no clue. I was just here, taking up space int he world. The world and everybody in it, including myself, my own inner conscience, had finally one hundred percent beaten me down. I cared very little about much of anything. I did care about Rob and I wanted to see Rob. I'm sorry, Rob, I'm just not worth it. Got no idea why you ever thought I was. I cared about Casey and Taylor and I'd nearly taken Casey with me on my desperate run from my consciousness. Oddly enough, part of me wanted to love Sawyer. Time and again, he'd show me that, for some ungodly reason, he loved me. I had repaid that by unintentionally placing him in harm's way. I hurt everyone I could possibly love. I hurt everyone that had the misguided desire to love me. I had pulled my friends into my mess with Jenika. Chance should never have gotten me; Austin should never have bailed me out. If I were locked away in a cage for humans, maybe the others would be safer. Safer with me out of the picture and left to my own devices. Better to just stay there, irrespective with whatever dangers may lay within. Within the jail, within the prison, within myself. It didn't matter anymore. I was, without a doubt, scared of my impending incarceration, but now I was resigned to whatever may happen. Yell at me. Beat me. Rape me. I didn't care what happened to me. I was done. Done fighting it. I was resigned to the situation. I physically and emotionally couldn't fight it anymore. It just didn't matter. I didn't matter. I give up. I'm not worth the fight, the time, or effort. I even had, for the first time, a sense of dread at seeing my friends, knowing, knowing the pain and hurt and disappointment I'd see in their eyes. I'd let them down. And I'd never be able to look Austin, Adam, Chance, and Rob in the eyes again. Austin for my being an utter failure that he'd taken a leap of faith in to bail my sorry ass out. Adam for giving him medicine without having any idea how it'd affect him. Maybe the Rupps—all seven of them—would prosecute me on that. Whatever. I'm hopeless. It seriously would be easier to just take my life than to involve courts and lawyers that shouldn't have to pander to me anyway. Save us all a lot of trouble to just tie a noose around my neck and jump. I'd never be able to meet Rob's gaze again, providing he lived. He should have just let Linda shoot me. Save me the trouble of having to do it myself. And Chance's deep green eyes would forever pity me. No. They'd all hold me accountable, as well they should. They'd all surround me and lay into me. Austin for having cost him a significant amount of money, Adam for poisoning him, Chance for having tried and failed to kill myself, Rob (once he was able) for my letting him take the bullet for me, Scott for pulling his band into my drama, Kirstie for my being too soft and sensitive, Mitch for putting him within a breath of death, Kevin for forcing him to lose his religion on someone, Avi for acting like I could be someone to support him when I couldn't even support myself. I didn't deserve anything less.