In The Blood

Breaking Point

(Tim)

I. Held. Out. As long as I physically and psychologically could. I sat there taking it, taking each word, each verbal stab hitting me directly in the heart. A mild panic stirred when she mentioned I should be prosecuted, but it was mostly sadness and guilt. Guilt. Because I knew Adam was not acting or reacting right with the medicine. For me, it calmed me down, made my mind stop whirring, my heart stop pounding, my chest relax, my breathing to even. For Austin, it seemed to have done the same. Chance had swallowed it, so he didn't get the immediate and intense effects. I prayed when it did hit his bloodstream that it wouldn't knock him silly like it had Adam. Adam was not thinking right: couldn't focus from one thought to the next, talking oddly, slurring words, stumbling. Drunk. He was acting near shit-faced drunk. And why? Because I'd carelessly been handing out prescription-strength high dosage anti-anxiety meds like candy. I could have easily made one of my best friends very sick. Not on his own volition or after having consciously made a decision to take it because he accepted the risk and put the pill in his own mouth, but because I'd done it for him. I didn't even give him a choice. I'd made it for him, popping the damn thing in there while he was busy hyperventilating. God. I hated myself. Rob had laid down his life to save me and I'm repaying him by hurting someone we both love. I wasn't worth saving, really. I was a godawful friend who didn't deserve to have a should defend or love me. Even if some poor misguided person did think they loved me, they were throwing effort in the entirely wrong place. Because clearly, I blatantly disregard others' health to serve my own needs. Quiet. Calm. You're having a nervous breakdown? Sure, have this pill. Don't got a clue what it'll do to you, but what the hell, I'mma make you take it anyway.

Hands fell on my back but I barely felt them. Didn't even look up.

"Tim. Talk to me," Chance urged. Why, so I can waste your time? Lead you into believing I could maybe be worth it?

"Don't listen to her, Tim. She's just spewing off like a boiling tea kettle," Austin tried to tell me. Yeah. But I deserved it. I could have permanently hurt or killed Adam. I. Am. An. Awful. Friend.

"Better be fucking glad Kelsey got her out of here when she did," Sawyer growled, eyes narrowing. "Don't take any of that to heart, Tim. Things will be OK and she will get over herself." Too late. Every word had already struck deep, hit a very real underlying current that was bleeding from within me.

A thunk to my left made me squint one teary eye towards the sound and Adam mumbled something unintelligible before saying, "Give her time. I will make her under..." He paused a few seconds. "What was I shaying? Eh... apologize. She will apologize. I'll make shore she knows why too." Apologize for what? Telling the truth? Righteous anger?

"I shouldn't have hesitated. I should have pushed her ass out," Chris pandered. "I'm sorry, Tim. The second she started laying into either you or Adam, she needed out. Deal with whatever shit she was carrying and then tried again. No excuse to say what she did. I am truly sorry, Tim." Why the hell was he apologizing to me? I'm the one that tried to kill his brother with my medicine. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Tim. Stupid.

"Don't blame yourself, Chris. You were between a rock and a hard place," Austin told him. "Family versus friends there."

I slowly started to uncurl, trying to avoid all of their gazes lest they waste one more moment on me. Adam kept giggling and saying 'rock and a hard place', so I turned to him. "I'm sorry, Adam."

"It's—" Heehee! "—OK!"

Chris leaned forward and held his arms out to hug me but I pushed him, then Chance and Austin, away.