Dapat Ka Bang Mahalin?

PART 3: A KNIFE-LIKE TRUTH

MICHELLE.

The last time I saw my girl, Dianne, brokenhearted was when she can't take off her head from her soft pinky bed because of Fred. That was the moment I remember how I cried when I broke up with James.

I was once a consistent honor student since high school and took up Engineering in College. Most of my classmates in this department are boys kaya I'm confident enough in dealing with them. I know how to play their pa fall jokes. At kung mayroon nang magsisimulang magpahiwatig ng kanilang feelings, I already tell them na wala silang chance.

Hindi madali ang pagiging Engineering at isa ako sa mga taong nag-akalang magpapayaman ito sa akin. However, reality hit me so hard at doon ko na realize na hindi madaling yumaman sa ganitong kurso. Ang hirap-hirap pa ng mga kina-calculate namin pero ang iba'y hindi naman nagagamit sa field.

Since I want to be financially successful, I have tried different sideline jobs plus my day-job. I keep myself busy dahil sa aking mga pangarap pero I'm still this typical lady na naghahanap ng pagmamahal at kalinga.

We can't deny the fact na kahit mahal tayo ng ating pamilya't kaibigan, maghahanap parin tayo ng isang taong ipaparamdam sa atin ang isang pagmamahal na natatangi. I have been wanting to be loved like anyone else. Minsan nga I felt insecure dahil 'yung mga ka batchmates ko'y may jowa na, 'yung iba may asawa na at heto ako, left untouched.

Dumating sa punto ng buhay ko na gusto ko ring magmahal, gusto ko ring umiyak dahil na brokenhearted, gusto ko ring subukang maging baliw sa pag-ibig, gusto ko ring may ka good morning, good evening, at ka late night talks. At gusto ko ring maging good and beautiful housewife with a heart.

Kaso, sa tinagal-tagal, wala paring dumarating. Minsan nga napapaisip nalang ako na maging FUBU nalang. You know, just to satisfy myself pero andiyan parin ang takot kaya hindi ko nasubukan.

Hanggang sa isang araw may nag friend request sa akin sa Facebook. It was James. Kaso hindi ako 'yung tipong nag co-confirm sa mga hindi ko kilala. O kung hindi man, I usually stalk their account to know if we have the same interest lalo sa in terms of my sideline jobs.

After how many days, I've seen a message request coming from James. 'Di ko sana siya papansinin kaso nagsimula na siyang mag share about financial literacy. So I took the bait.

We became virtual friends. He really sounds smart sa chat especially sa financial aspects. However, dumating sa puntong lumalalim na ang topics at yun na nga nagsimula na siyang magtanong kung pwede ba siyang manligaw. But as usual, I stopped him. Telling him that my heart is not yet open.

Pero iba siya sa mga lalakeng nakilala ko dahil hindi siya tumigil.

Until, I said YES.

He was my first and I thought that was already a perfect relationship. 'Nung una'y napakasaya pa namin like the relationship could never go wrong.

I have given everything to him. And that means, we did several romance. We also exchanged I LOVE YOUs kahit wala kaming official label.

My friends have been telling me to ask him kung ano ba talaga kami pero pinapangunahan ako ng takot. Takot ako na sabihin niyang parausan niya lang ako especially I have given myself to him already. Takot ako na baka wala naman talaga siyang nararamdaman sa akin. At natakot ako na baka, iwan niya ako.

But one day...

"What's this James?" I asked him confused while I was holding some sort of dry leaves packed in a sachet coming from his bag.

"Wala yan Michelle" kinuha niya agad ang nakita ko at dali-daling inilagay sa kanyang bag.

I crossed my arms to tell him that I know what I saw. Kunot-noo akong nakatitig sa kanyang mata.