Till I See You Again

PART ELEVEN

Stiles's POV:

Word about what happened to Derek had gotten around school. Before, I was the kid who always hung out with his friends, but now when people looked at me, I knew what they were really thinking, that I was the kid who watched his boyfriend get murdered in front of him.

I kept my head down when walking around in the high schools, not wanting to look or talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone to look at me, I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to see the stares people gave me, I didn't want to think. I wanted everything to stop. Everything. My sweaty hands gripped my backpack strap as I walked over to my locker.

"Stiles." I heard a familiar voice call from down the hall before feeling Theo's hand rest on my shoulder.

"Not today, Theo." I mumbled underneath my breath.

"Look, man, I just want to talk to you-" before he could finish his sentence, I turned around, using whatever strength I had left in my body to grab him by his jacket and slammed him into the lockers, the sudden sound had caused everyone to go silent.

Theo looked at me as I glared into his eyes. "It feels better, doesn't it? I get it. Look, Derek died, and I'm sorry." I softened my glare as I slowly started lowering him back to the ground as I nodded. "I'm sorry." I grabbed my backpack, slamming the locker door shut. I grabbed my backpack and ran out of the crowd of people, meeting Lydia on the other end of the hallway, her sad eyes looking into my sad eyes.

"Stiles." I felt like I was going to collapse as I stared into her eyes, it was only when I was getting ready to walk away that she pulled me into a hug, tears forming at my eyes again as I hugged her back. "Come on, let's get out of here." She took me by the hand and led me to her car.

"You should be in class." I mumbled as I looked out of the window.

"Not when my best friend is upset."

"Derek's dead. They had already shot him before we knew what was happening, it was my fault, I was the one who wanted to go out to the stupid resturant!" I banged my hand against her dashboard.

"Stiles, hey. This isn't your fault. What happened to Derek was awful, I know, but it wasn't your fault." I shook my head, more tears falling from my eyes.

"I-I told him to wait in the car, he got out to protect me!" My voice was shaking. "It's all my fault." I had whispered in a broken voice as Lydia took a gentle but firm hold of my wrists.

"No it's not, Stiles, do you understand me? None of this is your fault!" I shook my head, stubbornly.

"It is!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "I didn't do anything to save him! He was trying to save my own ass and look what happened! Because he protected me, because he had to look after me, he died, I-I couldn't save him in time, and now, Derek is dead." my entire body was shaking with grief.

Lydia gently tilted my eyes to meet her own. "Stiles, listen to me, okay? This isn't your fault. The hunters did this, not you. They're the ones who came here, determined to kill everyone and everything that got in their way. You were doing what Derek wanted you to do. You were staying out of the danger, you know Derek wouldn't want you getting hurt to protect him."

I looked up at her. "Lydia, you don't understand, no one understands. I let my mate die. Derek is dead, and Isaac is just as a mess as I am, all because of me! I'm upset with Scott and no one wants to hear what really happened, the police look at me like I'm insane and I-I have no one, it's only me!" I screamed  loudly, my voice full of grief and self loathing.

Lydia gently took my hands and pulled me towards her, I rested my head on her shoulder. "I-I miss him."

"I know you do, and I know I don't know what you're going through but please, don't push me away, I want to help you." I didn't say anything. "Listen to me, can you do that?" she asked softly, I gave her a weak nod, tears still streaming down my face.

"Stiles, you did nothing wrong. Nothing, you hear me? For a start, you aren't a killer. You are one of the nicest people I know, and what happened to Derek wasn't your fault. It had nothing to do with you. Derek has always had a need to protect you and if he hadn't protected you, you would have died."

"So that makes it right? A life for a life?" She shook her head. "Sorry, I-I shouldn't have said that but I still have that feeling that I could have done more."

"No! You couldn't have! We've all experienced what the hunters are like, they're too powerful. Derek was the strongest we had, and he's nowhere near as strong as they are, and if he doesn't stand a chance, what makes you think you do?" I didn't answer her. "Derek's death isn't your fault. Neither are the deaths that took place when you were possessed because I know you blame yourself. I know you feel awful, and I wish to god that I could take away all the pain you're feeling right now, because quite frankly I can't stand to see you hurting this much."

"Lydia, if I had been smarter, or quicker-"

"What could you have done, huh? Gotten yourself killed too? So in one swoop we would have lost Derek, and you? Stiles, I can't lose you. I need you alive, okay? You did what you had to do.  I looked at her sadly.

"Lydia, look what happened though. I watched as he got shot and right before they pulled the trigger at me, he jumped in front of me while I stood there and watched."

"What could you have done? Gotten shot too? That wouldn't help anyone. Derek getting shot was and will never be your fault. There was nothing you could have done, and I need you to believe me, right now!" I listened to her beg as I looked at her, I could tell by the way I was feeling, I was looking broken.

"I'm sorry." I said in a quiet, miserable voice, but Lydia shook her head.

"Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault."