josh + olivia

chapter five.

trigger warning: anxiety, insecurities, weight issues, a sad olivia :(

time skip

OLIVIA POV

These past couple days have been great. Josh and I talked about it a lot and decided to take the relationship slow so it's kind of official but not official official . When I told the girls they had somehow already figured out. I guess Josh told them when I wasn't around or when we ate lunch because when I finish my lunch I usually go and curl up with him and go to sleep. I don't sleep that well at night sometimes because of my anxiety attacks. It's getting so bad that most of the time they just happen and I have no idea what they're about. I'll be just trying to sleep and randomly start getting up and pacing and every bad thought I can possibly think of runs through my mind and i start hyperventilating until i finally wear myself out and fall asleep or just stay up until it's time to get ready the next day. it's exhausting. i can always fall asleep with josh because he makes me feel safer. i stopped thinking for a second and realized that i was pacing and starting to have trouble breathing

"just great olivia, you're so screwed up that you have anxiety attacks about anxiety attacks" i thought to myself.

"why can't you just be normal?" i keep thinking to myself.

i'm just so tired of having these attacks all the time. i was standing in my trailer and i went to look at myself in the mirror

"gosh why am i so fat?" i told myself. everyone always says how small i am but i just keep seeing the things that could be better about myself. i kept beating myself down about my weight until i heard a knock on my trailer door. it was josh.

"hey liv, are you ready to go?" he asked as he walked in my trailer. i could hear him but i just kept pointing out all of my flaws in my head 

"olivia?" he says in a little louder voice as he walks closer to me "are you okay?"

i just nod my head. no one knows about my anxiety and eating problems. i don't want them to think i'm a freak or not want to be my friend. 

"hey what's wrong?" he says in a soft tone as he turns me around to look at him

"oh, um, it's nothing i'm fine" i say as a put on a fake smile.

"well, the cast is going out to eat for dinner, do you wanna come? i can give you a ride" i was about to say yes but then i thought about the conversation i had with myself in my head.

"um, no, i'm not hungry" i say while trying to avoid eye contact

"are you sure you're okay liv? you never want to miss out on hanging with the cast" he says trying to get me to look at him.

i completely forgot he said the cast and i was being selfish and only thought about my own problems 

"i'm such a terrible person" i told myself

"um, you know what? i think i'll go" i say as i go to grab my phone and follow josh out of my trailer to the car.

 the car ride was silent. he asked me multiple times and i just silently nodded my head. if i told him about all of me problems he would never want to make it official with me. we arrive at the restaurant and walk in and see everyone else. i sit down by julia and josh sits on the other side of me. i thought to myself about all of my flaws. i just wish i could be like sofia or dara or julia, they're all so pretty and have perfect bodies and there's just me. i guess i was being too silent because i felt someone tap my shoulder and look to my left to see julia looking at me with a soft expression

"are you okay?" she asks in a whisper.

i nod my head and try to get out of any further questioning.

when the waiter comes i order the smallest thing they have on the menu. when the food comes all i can think of is my weight. i just sit there and play with my food and take tiny bites so that no one suspects anything is wrong. i get a sick feeling in my stomach when i try to eat as i realize i'm only getting fatter. i decide to stop eating as i push my plate over to the side a little and try not to make it obvious that i'm not eating and i put my face in my hands as all those my thoughts about myself flood into my head. i just want it all to stop. please.

JULIA POV

the whole cast could tell something was wrong with olivia. she got the smallest thing on the menu and she barely ate any of them. she was now sitting with her face in her hands and was slightly shaking but i think i can only see it because i'm sitting so close to her. i asked her earlier if she was okay and she just nodded. 

i looked around and josh shared the same expression as me so i decided to text him.

julia

hey do you know what's wrong with liv? 

                                                                                                                                                         josh

                                                                                no but i'm glad someone else noticed something was off

julia

she barely ate anything and she ordered the smallest thing they have to offer

                                                                                                                                                        josh

                                                                                                                     i know. something must be wrong

we texted for a little while longer until i looked up and we were leaving.

"wait, where's olivia?" frankie asked as we all looked around but didn't see her

"i don't know but i'll go look in the bathroom" i said as i walked towards the bathroom. i had to figure out what's wrong with olivia

when i opened the door it sounded like someone was throwing up. it didn't last long but when it stopped olivia came out of the stall with red puffy eyes

she jumped when she saw me

"oh hi" she said as she went to wash her hands

"are you sick?" i asked her

she gave a weird look " no, why do you ask?" 

"because it sounded like someone was throwing up" i replied

"um no i'm definitely not sick" she said and she went for the door as i followed her

"was liv making herself throw up?" i thought to myself

i couldn't keep it in as we all went back to the apartments. i walked up to josh as he was talking to frankie, joe, matt, and sofia. they were all laughing and turned around to see olivia walking by herself and her eyes still red. i interrupted their conversation by walking in between them. i didn't know how to start

"woah julia calm down" sofia said as they all let out small laughs but i didn't laugh. i couldn't. this was eating me up inside

"hey you didn't laugh, you look like you just saw a ghost. are you okay?" joe said as they all looked at me

"i don't think liv is okay" i said in a small voice but they heard me

"what?" they all asked

a/n sorry this is kind of confusing but the next chapter will help it make sense. i realized that i just kind of went straight into the story and i needed to slow it down a little so this is kind of a filler but also i have no idea why i wrote this but i thought it would be interesting to add haha.