Chapter 2- Kellin's POV

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by Loserific

by Loserific

"Kellin get your ass down here," I heard my mom scream. She was always so ill toward me. I used my manners and yelled back, "Yes ma'am", because I knew that if I didn't she would yell and hate me even more than she already did. As I was coming into the dining room I saw her roll her eyes at the sight of me. "Emo fag," I heard her mutter, I'm pretty sure it was my long hair that made her feel that way, maybe the fact I wore long sleeves in the summer, I'm not really sure to be honest. I dread going to school today, I don't want hear the horrible things people say about me, and there is probably another note in my locker telling me I should die and fall off the face of the earth because no one loves me, I was actually starting to believe those three words Nobody loves you. I don't even understand the meaning behind the deadly world, love. Walking down the hallway I heard snickers and I don't know if they were at me but I felt afraid, afraid that every last laugh was at me. I ran to the bathroom, razor in pocket. I entered one of the urinals and slide the cold piece of metal across my skin, the cold sharp pain hit. All I felt was relief, so I streaked my wrist against, this time a lot deeper. Seeing the blood drip down gave me more than the relief I needed. I couldn't help but do it many times more. The cuts bled a beautiful rose red and I wasn't even concerned at the amount of blood I was losing. When I heard the first bell I walked out of the restroom stall because no one else was there and were in class. I planned on skipping first period so I didn't much care about it. I slowly dapped a power towel on my harmed wrist, it didn't hurt nor sting anymore so I decided to wet the paper towel with hot water, I flinched at the first sting but after awhile became accustomed to it. Instead of going to class I roamed the halls looking at the emptiness and remembering where each of my many breakdowns happen, I'm not even sure why I was doing this to myself. I didn't even feel anything. I have achieved a temporary numbness, it was the best feeling I've ever had in the whole world. I decided I was just going to skip the entire school day, it isn't like I ever really do anything at school other than getting beat up. I walked for about 20 minutes until I finally reaching the place I called home. It looked so beautiful on the outside, but I'm telling you instead it's an entire different viewpoint. If you were to look through the curtains you'd realize that we aren't perfect, especially me. I climbed through my window so that my parents wouldn't notice that I'm skipping school. I sat down with my notebook and began writing a song.

Could you check my pulse for me

To see if I'm alive

Cause every time that I am near you

Is the only time I feel alright

If there were any way

I could thank to turn back time

I'd stay here with you

Sometimes I sit and wonder

Sometimes I feel like letting go

All I know is no one should have to be alone

I don't want to be alone

I don't want to die alone

I could fall apart here and now

I don't want to die alone

It wasn't my best work but I loved it. I was able to express myself without psychically harming myself even though I still do. It's a complicated thing, depression is. I'm drowning in my own self-hatred and it seems as if no one can save me. That I'm stuck in this state forever. It's seems that no matter how bad I want to I just can't be truly happy. I want someone to love me for me, is that really too much to ask for? I sat in tears as the idea of suicide flooded through my mind as it often did, but I just let it stay and eventually went to sleep.

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Hello again beauties two chapters in one day.. WHAT?!?

I don't own the song, it's by Sleeping With Sirens