Life Behind the Curtains: $old. (Shawn Mendes Fanfic)

Chapter 30

They can't be happy all the time. It's not realistic.

I'm sorry. It had to be done.

***

I shivered despite the hoodie I was wearing. It smelled like Shawn's cologne, so at least it was comforting.

I still hadn't gotten over the fact that my life almost flashed before my eyes because of my stupidity. My stupidity.

Just a few hours ago I felt like I was at the peak of my life,  but now I don't know anymore. 

It's crazy how one event can alter your entire life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. You never can tell.

He parked the car. I didn't want to sit in the front seat, as Shawn would always glance at me, so I sat in the backseat.

Maybe Shawn minded, but he didn't say anything.

What's happening to me? It was just a little fall.. But then why does it feel so..life changing?

He crawled onto the backseat and looked at me. I could see the pity in his eyes, so I looked anywhere but there.

"Hey, it's going to be okay." I nodded at his statement, staring at the leather seats. 

"Can I ask you something?" I didn't reply, so he took it as a yes. I don't mean to ignore him, but I'm so lost in my thoughts that I barely notice him.

"Did you want to fall?" My eyes snapped back to his, but there wasn't any remorse in his brown eyes- just sheer curiosity.

"I don't know, I was just scared. I won't lie and say it didn't cross my mind for a second." He let out a sharp breath, "Come on, let's go."

"Are you okay?" I asked, noticing how abruptly he ended the conversation as I shut the door and walked towards the building.

He stopped walking and looked at me. "Are you not happy with me?" His eyes shone with vulnerability, and I immediately felt bad.

"Nooo, it's just we've only just recently found a way to get along so I can't just tell you everything yet. Please be patient," I pleaded with him.

I need to work this out with myself before I tell him how I'm feeling.

"I get it," he nods as we enter the doctor's office. I stop walking as pain extends throughout my body and I groan, clutching my stomach.

"Shit, what's wrong with you?" He asks, carrying me bridal style to the seat at the office. I groan, and slowly, the pain starts to diminish, but never completely.

The doctor does a few scans and I presumed that everything went smoothly.

"Shawn," I whispered in the waiting room. He hummed in response. "I was bleeding today," his eyes widened in surprise and his eyebrows furrowed, "I thought you weren't supposed to be bleeding? It's probably nothing."

I wish I could shrug it off as easily as Shawn could.

Only when he comes back with a clipboard and his lips pressed into a thin line that I start to sweat.

"Is everything alright?" Shawn asks, speaking my thoughts as I reminisced that I was bleeding quite heavily after I woke up. 

I have a bad feeling about this.

"It does not appear so. Ms. Mendes, would you mind accompanying me for a scan?"

I look over to Shawn and ask, "Can my husband come as well?" The doctor shakes his head, "I'm afraid not. There are some things I would prefer to discuss in private."

Shawn and I shared a glance and he nodded slightly. "Okay," I agreed, following the doctor.

"So you mentioned you had heavy bleeding, which is abnormal during pregnancy, so we are just going to run a few tests. It's probably nothing major, and there is no need to worry."

He did the scans and then I was reunited with Shawn at the waiting room.

"Well?" He asked expectedly. I shrugged, "Everything seemed fine, he just did a few extra scans." 

He bit his bottom lip, annoyed by the long wait, "Okay well can we go then?" 

"On the contrary Mr. Mendes, if you don't mind." 

I looked over to Shawn, a playful frown as I mouthed to him, "Don't be rude." He rolled his eyes but he had a small smile twitching on his lips.

"What's the matter, Doc?" Shawn spoke the last word almost mockingly, and I elbowed him in the rib, making him let out a small, "Ow," as he rubbed the rib I had injured.

"You both might want to sit down for this," a warning tone laced in the doctor's voice. "Why? What's going on!" Shawn crosses his arms over his chest stubbornly.

I give him a pointed look and he caves, sitting down beside me. 

"I'm..afraid, Ms. Mendes, that you have had a miscarriage. It was so early on in the pregnancy that there is little reason to comprehend how this could have happened. Usually, it is one of three reasons. 

Either you have a medical condition, which fails to be your case. Either you have consumed an unknown drug or heavy dosage of alcohol, or if one of you both smoke, presumably the father.

I want to inform you that this does not mean that you can't try again, as there are many opportunities.  I'm sorry for your loss." He walked away.

Like that was just it. Done. Over.

Just like that.

I clutched something, anything around me to keep me from falling apart. 

I didn't even realize I was crying until I could taste the saltiness on my lips and my vision was hazy.  I cried, putting my face in my hands in hopes that all of this new information would just go away.

This can't be real. I was looking forward to a child. And now, it's all gone.

What am I supposed to do with my life now?

I can hear the horrid word spin around my brain in the same monotone voice my doctor portrayed. Miscarriage. Miscarriage. 

I close my eyes, and a mental image of me holding a baby appears in my mind.

Fuck, I'm going crazy. Just someone, make the pain stop, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be like this. Why did this have to happen to me.

I can't make it stop, please make the pain stop. I don't wanna feel anymore.