Life Behind the Curtains: $old. (Shawn Mendes Fanfic)

Chapter 26

"You done?" She yawns as I type the last short answer. "Why are you still here, go to sleep," I replied, submitting the form and closing the laptop.

"I- I don't know. Didn't want to sleep alone I guess," she admits. Feeling playful, I smiled,"Seems like someone's about to break rule number 5."

 She smiles shyly, leaning closer to me as I slide the laptop onto the table nearby, "And what was rule number 5? I think I have forgotten."

Are we confessing our feelings for each other? In such a casual setting? 

How could she like a person like me? 

I averted my gaze, the sudden playful manner diminished in me as quick as it came. "You should probably get some sleep. I have some more things to do."

I didn't even look up as she walked away, but I noticed her frame stand against the door frame for a second. She mumbled something that my ears could barely grasp,"Two steps forward, one step backward."

Goddamnit! Why does she have to be like this?! Why do I have to be like this?

I can feel the little humanity left inside of me throb, practically begging me to talk to her and get some of my inner thoughts out.

I haven't told anyone about anything I think about because my mind is a dark, dark place. Who would want to know what goes on inside?

She shouldn't like me. Hell, she shouldn't even look my way. But she does anyway.

She cares.

I care. I care so much that I have to push her away. It's for her own good. Maybe it's not my call to make, but I'm going to make it anyway.

"I'm sorry," I spit out to her. The words got lodged in the throat, but I forced them out- they tasted bitter against my tongue. 

She is making me do all kinds of things I've never done before. Like actually apologize while meaning it.

"We just. Can't." I try to explain with another vague sentence, which only complicates things. "Can't what?" She sits on the bed, hugging her knees to her chest, "What are you talking about?"

"Us. Together. Like this," my mind spun a whirlpool of excuses but I couldn't bring myself to spit them out to her. These short, curt sentences sounded horrible from my perspective.

I know she won't let go of me until she gets a real answer to her question, so at this point I was just stalling.

She cocked her head to the side, visibly confused. "What on Earth is going on? What are you even talking about? Just go to sleep, you've been doing too much work you're probably tired."

See, even now she cares.

I hesitantly turned off the light and crawled into bed, praying that my hands wouldn't misbehave. I can't trust myself around her.

She smiled softly as she admired every corner of my face. I shuddered as she moved closer. I wouldn't be able to control myself if she-

Amber placed a hand on my cheek. Her soft, silky skin caressed mine, and I closed my eyes for a moment, relishing it.

God, I love her.

My eyes snapped open at the thought. I love her. I shouldn't, but I do anyway. I can't help myself.

She must have noticed my distress because she wrapped her arms around my torso, draping a leg over mine. "We are going to be okay," she whispered in my ear. 

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

We stayed like that for a long time until I could hear her heavy breathing. She was fast asleep.

I could hear the slight ticking of the clock as I just lied there. Frozen, as her arms encaged me and I could watch her sleeping figure up close.

I waited until she was completely fast asleep, and only then did I mutter these words.

"I love you."

I felt like I needed to let it out without actually telling her. I can't take rejection. I've never been rejected before. Ever.

All of this is new to me.

These feelings keep creeping up on me when I'm most vulnerable, and I don't even know where to begin in dealing with them. 

Do I shove them away, shut them out? I tried that, but it only hurt her and me. Do I embrace them? How does one even begin to do that without hurting?

I got out of bed and grabbed my guitar, walking over to the living room. I stared through the large, glass panels that overlooked the busy city, even during the night.

I tried to focus on the song I was writing, but I was too distracted to even get the melody right. My hands ache from playing.

"Fuck it, " I groan, laying the guitar on the floor beside me. 

What do I do now? It's obviously wrong for me to love her, but I can't help it. Besides, I only have 5 more years with her. And we are having a child together.

I've dreamed of having children of my own, but later deemed myself too much of a lost cause to actually settle down with someone who really liked me.

But now, I can't help but be excited at the mere thought. A boy, a girl? Heck I didn't even care, I just wanted to hold him or her in my arms and love the baby.

I want to talk to someone about this. I grab my phone and phone my sister Aaliyah. She's a girl, she must know how this shit works.

"Hey big bro, she comments, what's up?" I rolled my eyes, "Why are you even awake right now?" 

She giggles and I immediately groan, "What did I say about no boys later than 9. This is pushing it. I might have to come home whack his ass for messing with my sister."

She whines like the annoying sister she is, "Stoppp, I really like him this time." I raised my eyebrows, surprised by the sincerity in her voice. "Is he still there?" She sighs, "No, he just left. Now seriously, why did you call?"

I shut my eyes for a brief second, trying to think of how to approach this. "What do you mean? Do I have to have a reason to talk to my favorite sister?"

I can practically see her rolling her eyes at the other end, "I'm your only sister, now spill, what's on your mind?"

I let out a long, heavy sigh. "It's Amber. She's driving me crazy." I don't even know where to start in telling Liyah how I feel.

"Well good for her," I can hear her smirk. "Liyah, I love her." There is a slight pause at the other end before I hear a high pitched squeal that almost shattered my eardrums.

"Shut upp," I groaned, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"What are you waiting for, idiot, just tell her!" I bit my lip hesitantly, "Really? But how?"

She scoffed, "Now is not the time to be shy dude!!! Tell her how you feel. Besides, it's not like she can leave you, y'all are married under contract. Take the risk, maybe she feels the same way."

I sighed, "Can't believe I'm taking advice from my kid sister." She laughed, "Well, you'll thank me later. Anyway, is that all you needed me for?"

I nodded, but then realized she couldn't see me. "Yeah that's all, but I-" the call ended abruptly.

That idiot hung up on me?! How dare she!!

I'll deal with her later. I wonder how she would feel if I had a little chat with this guy she seems to like so much.

I'll think about all this later. I need to figure out how I'm going to tell Amber.