If I Stay

Chapter Three

Three months. 

How has it only been three months? The 20th of every month was nothing but a mere reminder. A reminder that she lived and her baby didn't. It felt like it had been an eternity but obviously not because it had only been three months.

Liz didn't return home until the middle of the night. She was ultimately done. She didn't have the energy for anything anymore, arguing with Vera made the top of her list. 

"Elizabeth" Liz stopped and looked at Vera. Vera never called her that and this is what got her attention.

"Liz... I can't imagine what you're going through-"

"Vee please don't. I pray you never go through this. So be grateful that you don't understand because you're lucky" She walked back into her room to get ready.

As I said, Liz was done. No one's opinions or thoughts mattered anymore. No one was going to break down her walls again. She slipped up and made the mistake, but her son wasn't a mistake. And he didn't deserve what happened, Liz blamed herself every second of every day.

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Hide behind everyone and go to class. Sit in class. Hide during the break and read. Repeat. Leave school in a hurry so you don't draw attention to yourself.

This was Liz on a daily basis upon her return to school. She needed the days to go quick so the pain would lessen. Maybe her weekly visits to the cemetery should turn daily. 

"Hi son" She smiled sitting before him.

"Three months today. The longest three months of my life I can assure you. I miss you a lot, words won't ever fit the love that I have for you. Sometimes I think of just leaving so I can join you up there. Visiting you is the only thing I look forward to now, you're the only source of happiness" On cue, the tears began to fall again. 

She reached into her bag and took out the little box. In the first few days of her grieving, she packed a little box filled with some things of babies. She wanted to carry it everywhere she went so it would ease her mind. Inside was the milestone cards, instead of how old baby is, she recorded how long it's been since he left. Accompanying them were tiny beanies and mittens, little pairs of shoes, and what looked like a million letters addressed to him. 

Liz took out the most recent letter and read it to him.

I tried to make a list claiming the hardest thing about this situation. But every time I think of something, it tops the pre-existing reason and everything just hurts the same. I was not myself anymore. No one really understands how much I want to be with you. So bad that I would give my life to see you again, to hold you once more. Every passing day means a day lost that we would've spent together. I'm sorry I couldn't carry you. I'm sorry that this had to happen. You were the best of everything-

I should bring a tissue box every time I'm here, Liz thought to herself.

A few hours passed. Liz felt like time was frozen when she was with her little boy, finding no shortage of words that she could exchange between the two. He was the only person she felt comfortable talking to about everything.

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Days turned into weeks. Weeks of the same behaviour from Liz. Vera was confused, not knowing how to handle her teenage sister anymore. She began to let Liz act that way she wanted because for the first two months Liz was a prisoner to the four walls of her rooms. Liz probably only spent half an hour in total out of her room, she didn't even escape to the beach. But this third month was different. Liz shifted from homeschooling back to her normal high school. It was like the switch of a button. She jumped straight back into the real world, head first. 

Leading up to the first month since the miscarriage, Liz smashed her phone into pieces and deleted social media. She only needed her iPod for music and that was it. Why was the life of a teenager so complicated?

She was drowning. Neck-deep in pain that was not going to escape her. What a great life to live. No one at home understood. At school, she was forced to watch everyone revert to life before she dated Kenai. And yet her life before Kenai was something she could never return to. Not now. Not ever. Liz was so wrapped in dragging her existence along because the truth was, the day her baby's heart stopped beating was the day hers did too.

She had been successful in pushing away anyone who wanted to help because truth be told, Liz was not getting out of this darkness and did not want anyone drowning with her.

This morning Liz decided to take a late start to school. She just didn't care anymore. Maybe seeing baby in the morning would set up Liz for a day worth living.

Liz stopped in her tracks seeing a bouquet of blue flowers in front of her sons grave. People stopped giving her son flowers after the first month. Everyone stopped visiting after the first week. She was happy everyone could go on with their lives. Not Liz, maybe one day whilst she slept over her sons grave, he would guide her soul to the afterlife with him. 

Picking up the bouquet of flowers, she inspected the card.

From Dad

The card left her hand along with all the oxygen from her body. Had Kenai and Liz had a proper face to face conversation over their child? No.

Did Liz want to have a proper conversation with him? Yes, but she gave up hope on that a long time ago.

Kenai was that guy. Girls openly throwing themselves over him. Seeing all the open affection still made Liz sick to her stomach but she couldn't do anything but watch. He went back to his old life and Liz was still stuck over him and their son. It's not like Liz didn't know. She knew well enough neither of those boys were coming back so she had to bear the pain until she was numb.

No tears fell today. Liz didn't feel the need to cry. Saying good morning to her son and wishing him a good day, she left at that. Plugging in her earphones and disappearing into the music made the walk to school bearable.

"Elizabeth" the voice of Mrs Pearl, the school librarian was the only voice she liked at school.

"Hi Mrs Pearl" Liz greeted her with a smile

"I've got a new collection, check it out once you're done reading this one. There are some books you'll love" she smiled back holding Liz's shoulder before walking back up the stairs to the library. 

"Elizabeth" she knew this voice too. Belonging to no one else but the school councillor.

"Mr Peters. Talking to you won't help me. I mean that with no offence. I'd rather do this alone" It felt like Liz had to say this to everyone she encountered. She smiled walking past him and to her classroom.

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Today was Thursday which meant Mia had tennis and Vera was working a late shift at the hospital. So Liz spent an extra hour at the cemetery before walking home. She stopped dead in her tracks seeing the familiar face sitting in the hammock on her front porch.

"Kenai?"