If I Stay

Chapter Nine

Rome drove the pair to a frozen yoghurt place before driving to their final destination. Liz was cautious as she began walking behind Rome while he remained silent. Was he leading her out here to her death? Probably not but the possibility was still there. He finally stopped in front of a metal pole where flowers were laid and dream catchers attached to the pole. 

"Two years ago, the love of my life crashed into this pole and it claimed her life" His hand rubbed a blue dream catcher that was hanging.

"Elizabeth, life is too short for uncertainty. If there's an opportunity then seize it. If not, keep moving forward until you find one. Life can be taken away at any moment and we shouldn't waste it on things we can't control. Whoever this guy is, I know he's special to you but don't ever settle for less than what you deserve. You shouldn't hold back on your happiness" Liz was taken back by the words that left Rome's mouth.

"Is there somewhere we can sit down?" Rome nodded to her suggestion and they found themselves sitting on a bench near the river. 

"I had a miscarriage" the words left her mouth seemed so foreign as she sighed. 

"Liz... I'm so sorry" he rubbed her shoulder

"I never talk about it with anyone anymore and I gave up talking to Kenai about it because he was never there 100%. But I lost a child. I lost a child and a part of me died too. And I try so hard to make sense of what happened and try to push forward but Rome, I miss my child every day. And I can't help but question why God would do this or why all this is happening to me" Liz leaned into Rome's shoulder as the tears flowed every which way. 

This was Liz. The Liz that bottled up everything until she finally exploded in the arms of a stranger. He remained quiet letting Liz speak her heart out.

"I know the child was never born but he was real and I wanted to mother him so badly. I lost a child and I never got to hear him breathe or see what his favourite colour was or what his laugh sounded like. And I feel like an imposter, calling myself a mother because it doesn't feel right. And it's been months since it's happened but I still remember the phone call like it was yesterday. And I never understood how parents go on after losing a child. Losing all those potential memories and literally losing a part of you." 

Rome had never heard of a story of a woman who miscarried. This opened his eyes to the serious topic that it was. Miscarriage was always suppressed and something people should never talk about.  But that just silenced all the mothers that have had to give their child back. Liz felt vulnerable pouring her heart out to a guy she's only known for a few days but Rome assured her that her words were safe with him. 

Liz was home an hour before midnight. She felt so much better talking to him and letting out things although she felt guilty that Rome heard it instead of Kenai. Thank goodness for the poor lighting so Jason didn't see how puffy her eyes were from all the crying. Once Jason was satisfied with seeing his cousin come home in one piece, he went back to his room so the two could bid goodbye. 

"Thank you for tonight" Liz smiled at Rome.

"We both probably got more out of it then we intended. Talking about a loved one that we lost is not weak, it keeps their memory alive. Don't hold back on your happiness. Goodnight Liz" He gave her a goodbye hug before walking away. 

Liz closed the door and continued smiling, "Goodnight Rome" she whispered walking to bed. Her phone buzzed with a message.

Kenai: I love you

*********************

Liz's last night in Sydney was spent with the whole clan in bumper carts, playing laser tag and visiting the arcade. Liz enjoyed everyone's company and the positive vibe that was around during the night. Surprisingly, she wasn't as bad as laser tag as she thought. Scoring the most kills on her team while the boys from the other team claimed they had gun malfunctions or that Liz was cheating. 

Liz strayed away from the pack during the time they all scattered around the arcade. She was definitely going to miss Sydney.  In the short 10 days that she was here, she felt like a new spark of life had flown through her body. The 4D car cinema caught her eye. Right before the ride began, Jason slid into the seat beside her.

"How are you feeling?" Jason yelled over the noise.

"Better" Liz smiled gripping onto the steering wheel. 

"Don't hesitate to come back here. I'll miss you" Jason felt accomplished. His cousin was now in a much better mood than the one she arrived with, and that was serious progress. Liz appreciated all the effort her cousins put in to get her back on her two feet. Let's hope she wasn't going back to the dark place she spent the last of her months in.

*************

The plane ride home gave Liz time to prep herself for the life she was returning to. Everyone made it to the airport to bid her goodbye which put Liz in a good mood. She stared through the plane window and wondered whether her son was up in the clouds watching her. She didn't mind the lay-overs or long flights because it gave her time to look after her mind and soul without distractions. 

Liz pulled up to the arrivals lounge, eagerly scanning the crowd for her sisters. She felt like she had been gone for years, maybe it was the rebirth of her heart or her new-found hope she discovered whilst in Sydney. She didn't see her sisters. Liz decided to wait since they both could be running late. She dragged her yellow suitcase to a nearby lounge and sat patiently awaiting her sisters. 

"Hey, let's go" Her eyes left the page of her book and met with the familiar green eyes. Those damn eyes that still made her knee's weak and made her abandon all rational thought. Kenai smiled grabbing the suitcase off her grip.

"Kenai what are you doing?" He brushed off her question and remained smiling as the two strolled through the car park. Kenai packed her suitcase in the back before sliding into the driver's seat beside Liz. 

"Where are my sisters?" Liz crossed her arms over her chest as she began looking impatient. 

"Relax. Let's get some breakfast" Kenai brushed her off turning up the radio to the morning station Hawaii had with all the R&B classics. Liz was annoyed. Did this count as kidnapping? Liz contemplated calling the police to come to her rescue. 

They pulled up at a Cafe on the North Shore that was literally on the beach. Liz did miss the beach and hated the fact that April lived hours away from the coast. Kenai pulled on her hand, leading her to a table as the waiter took their order.

"How was Sydney?" He took a sip from the glass of cold water on the table. 

Was Kenai playing with her? She allowed herself to overthink, questioning why this man who's hurt her, decided to pick her up from the airport and take her out for breakfast. They barely spoke or texted so this definitely annoyed Liz. 

"Relax" Kenai noticed her eyes squinted and shoulders tense.

"What are you doing"  She questioned

"Relax Liz. Enjoy breakfast with me" He smiled as plates were placed in front of the two. Liz did not touch her food as she watched Kenai demolish his. 

"I'm sick of playing stupid games with you Kenai. I'm not some girl that you can call or text when no one else is replying. I'm not someone that is okay with having none of your time or attention while you give it away to everyone. You weren't there Kenai. The nights I wished for nothing but to cry in your arms over baby... I needed you Kenai and you ran to everyone but me" Her eyes began to water again.  Kenai's expression dropped from the happy mood he was in all morning. He finally removed his sunglasses and revealed the dark circles under his eyes.

"I can't sleep. Most nights I find myself driving over to visit him because my mind won't let me sleep anymore. Liz I'm sorry for hurting you in the worst way possible. I just... I was an idiot" 

Liz was even more confused now. She could slowly hint which direction this conversation was going but wasn't sure. Did Kenai really want to make amends or was he just lonely and needed someone to fill the void?