Let's Not Falling In Love (1st Book)

Me, Myself

"So all of you have already known about it". Nayeon asked me to explain that I have this thing to other girls in this house, but they told her they already know about it.

We were sitting at dining room.
"All these times you hide it from me, I'm the only one who didn't know about it". She looked so pissed.

"We just don't know how to tell you, and also we know it  by accident". Sana said to her, I sit at the center staring at them. I didn't know how to react.

"I can't let her or him uh.. I don't know, I can let you stay here". She said pointing her finger at me.

" but eonni she is a girl she just has that thing". Momo defended me.

"But  you know girl doesn't have that thing". She chuckled.

"She also has girl's thing, her chest". Momo pointed at my chest, they were staring at each other.

"Okay, Let me ask her". She said to the blonde haired girl.

"Are you a girl or guy ?". Her stare was so sharp, I felt like I don't know her anymore.

"I don't know". I said to her. I saw them startled.

" you don't know ?". Nayeon chuckled disbeliefs.

"I was born with chromosomes disorder, I have penis but my female genes were also active it made my thing  when I was child doesn't really look like penis it was small just like womanhood but a bit different.  My mom decided to raise me as a girl mostly because she already has my brother so she wants to have a daughter". I took deep sigh.

"She kept on giving me a pil that I thought a vitamin but actually it was a pil for raising my female hormones maybe  that's why I have this boobs, I did believe that I was a girl but as I've grown up my thing was getting bigger and I'm getting look like a guy. It makes me confused sometimes, because my mom keep telling me, I'm a girl". I explained.

"You don't have dream even you are confused about your own gender".

"Eonni !". Momo said stopped her judging me.

"You're guy, leave this place you can't live here". She said to me.

"You said you want to heal her broken heart  even she gave us a chance  but then you did this to her...you're  just angry because you're the last person among us who found about it". Momo convinced her

"No I'm not, I just follow the rules, only girl who can live in this house". She yelled a bit to the blonde haired girl. They were standing from their seat.

"Pack your things". She said, looked away.

"We can let her live here, her mom and her aunt  who sent her to this place". Mina said.

"Should I call your aunt ? Did your aunt know about it ?". She asked me again.

"No please, don't tell anyone about it",.

"See, her aunt ..I mean his aunt will do the same thing like I'm doing,  if she knew about it". She said to the girls. 

"Jeongyeon never did something dangerous and he is not even bothering us but he did the opposite things,  by his  warm heart he has brought happiness to our lives". Sana said those things even after I rejected her several times.

"Eonni don't shooe her away, I mean we can just pretend she doesn't have that thing, we can just think she is a girl ". She continued, Nayeon took deep sigh.

"I leave or he leaves ?". She said to them. They stared at her confused.

"Stop, I'll leave I won't ruin your friendship. I can talk to my mom about it". I'm ready to shift my feet to pack my things.

I closed the door of my room, took deep breath "what will happen to me when I tell my mom about it ?". I was dozing off, looking around my room.

I took my suitcase, pack my clothes in it" as I've expected I wouldn't live here for a long time just 4 months I live in this place but so much things had happened".

I'll go outside my room with my backpack, one suitcase and brought my guitar on my right arm. I saw them standing in front of my room, for the farewell  but nayeon she still sat at dining chair, I just can see her back facing me. I hope that I can see the face had always made me smile for the last time, please.. turn your head.

"Jeongyeon". Momo hugged me, I see the tears on her face.

"Hey hey.. Don't cry, you can still meet me".  I chuckled, wiping the tears on her face.

"Really ?".
I nodded my head, she smiled, loosened her hug, giving other girls chance to have farewell with me.

"Can I kiss you ?". Sana shyly said, staring at me.

"You really love kissing". I was chuckling " here". I pointed my left cheek, bending down please her to kiss me.

She put her hands on my nape then kissing me. I saw momo tried to look away but still glancing, she gritted her teeth jealously .

"Thanks". She was pulling away.

"I'm sorry". Mina hugged me, leanInh her face on my crook.

"There's nothing to forgive, I'm the one who have to
say sorry". Put my chin on her shoulder.

"No, I've hurt your heart". She said.

"Me too, we've already apologized to each other, so I can leave right now". I pulled away, taking my suitcase and guitar with me.

"I hope when I leave, your friendship is still in good terms, bye". They were wrapping their arms on each other shoulders , waving their hands as goodbye they show their smile except for nayeon I stared at her back as I turned my body walking out.

When I was arrived at my parents house, they were surprised I went back home without telling them. I told them the reason of why I was here then I've begged my mom to let me live my life as a guy rather than live in a confused life.

" Mom please, if I'm still like this, I can't marry with guy or girl, I dont deserve to be a daddy or mommy for my children someday.  I will live my life alone forever". With my teary eyed, I explained.

"Okay I'll let you  be a guy, I'll handle your documents anything are related to your gender identity". I happily smiling when I heard that " but you won't be here anymore". I raised my brows didn't  understand.

"Leave this house, even this country I won't see you anymore". She folded her arms staring at me.

" O..okay". I took deep sigh, I can't live under her control forever I should take the risk, no matter what will  happen to me later.

"Hey she is our daughter you can't treat her like that". My father said to my mom.

"We hadn't have daughter since she decide to be a guy". She sarcastically said, my dad couldn't t say anything she is the one who taking the rules in this family.

She is a succesful  business woman she has  japanese restaurants all over this country more than ten restaurants while my dad is just a chef in one of her reastaurants.

"Don't worry I'll give you money to begin your own life, you'll make me embarrassed if people knew I have a child like you, so you have to go as far as you can". I just nodded my head as she passed me, the tears was falling from my eyes. How can she said those horrible things to her own child, I don't ask god to be born like this but why..

My dad hugged me, I cried in between his arms.

"I'm sorry for your mom attitude". He stroked my hair tryinh to calm me down. My brother was not here he was busy, he will be the heir of my mom's business. Mom ? ..is she my mom ? I feel like I don't have a mom anymore.
                        

•••••

Now I sit on a bench around the river site of the city that never sleeps, yeah I'm in New  York, it has been a year. Staring at the same sky , I'm wondering how have the girls been doing in korea ?